Your "energetic nature" — frequently dissed by those close to you as "spazziness" — will attract all the right people this week. So don't tone it down, no matter how many dirty looks you get from strangers in public places. Will those strangers be taking you home to screw your brains out tonight? We didn't think so.

A life of navel gazing is fine for philosophers, but even they get out of their armchairs occasionally for a little Greek lovin'. This week, you'll want to give up the contemplation to pursue less lofty, more corporeal adventures, in the spirit of Ahnold or Action Jackson. Remember, overthinking things is what got Hamlet killed, and Keanu Reeves is only hot when he acts like the idiot he is. Now that's deep.

From afar, you will be irresistible this week. But up close, you're destined to say the wrong thing — you'll inadvertently insult someone's grandmother, you'll ruin your team's chances of a big win on trivia night, you'll stutter, you'll slur, you'll send spittle flying in every which direction. Better to maintain a little mystery and allure, and save the sweet-talking for next week, when your mojo, like the prodigal son, will return. Then, you may throw it a big party and get laid.

Take it nice and slow. Don't get discouraged if someone you like isn't responding the way you want. You are best to do your own thing and let this person observe you from a distance. Your good qualities will gradually shine through, like the sun after a light summer rain, or one of Em's potent beans-on-toast farts gently wafting from one end of the room to the other.

Uh oh, superficiality alert. Given the choice this week, you are likely to favor style over substance. If you're just looking for a piece of arm candy to accompany you to some fancy event sure to be attended by your fuckface ex, then go right ahead. Otherwise, we strongly suggest you rethink your strategy. Because when the cameras stop rolling and fuckface ex is no longer watching, you're the one who has to make conversation with that dunderhead hottie who thinks euthanasia is a program for troubled kids in China.

The stars say your practical nature will lead you to prefer partners who can support you financially. Funny, we'd call that your shallow, leech-like nature. However, we and the stars do agree that showing your true nature to potential partners will be about as romantically effective as showing them your ringworm infection on the first date.

No pressure, dude, but if you're wishy-washy and indecisive for much longer, you're going to be stuck with a brand new decision: Die alone, or die surrounded by your seven devoted cats. So strap one on and pick someone already.

You don't need any advice this week, you've got romance in the bag. So how about a cooking tip instead? Next time you make mashed potatoes, throw in a little nutmeg along with the butter and milk. (Just not too much nutmeg — turns out it's a natural laxative, as Em learned the hard way last time she cooked dinner for friends.)

Cut to the chase; gone in sixty seconds. And no, we're not talking about that atrocious Nic Cage/Angelina Jolie movie, we're talking about your love life. Once you've wrapped someone around your little pinkie, you don't even stick around long enough to find out all the fun places you could stick that dirty little pinkie. All we can say is: You don't know what you're missing. (And wash your hands after shaking hands with strangers.)

It won't take much for you to attract a perfect partner. That's assuming your perfect partner is an annoying fuckwit who hasn't been laid in two years and isn't getting any younger. If you're aiming a little higher than that, you might have work a bit harder. You know, lay on some charm, slip 'em a mickey, etc.

Oh, Aquarius, you're a fool for love. It's kind of cute when Meg Ryan does it, but on you, it just looks pathetic. Walk away from love before it walks all over you, leaving nothing but a set of muddy footprints. (Yes, it's true, we're a little bit country, a little bit rock'n'roll.)

This week, the stars say, "The more you linger the more excited your partner will become." If you think about it, that's pretty dirty.