Hooksexup Personals

GRAY AREA? WHAT GRAY AREA? I read your last column about infidelity with great interest. As a man who has been born with the gene to "cheat," I lived up to my gene predictions. I am now newly single (after a good/very good/bad thirty year marriage). Currently, I am involved with a married woman. Does that make me slimy in my new life as well as my old life? More to the point, what does it make the woman — your article was so one-sided as to imply that men are the only ones to have extramarital affairs.

First, you're right: It makes you slimy. Second, have you read any of our columns? We never put men on Mars and women on Venus without any interplanetary shuttles. Of course women have extramarital affairs (more often than most people would guess) — and that makes them just as slimy as the men who have 'em. Last week, we were answering a specific question about the Other Woman. If the caller had asked about the Other Man, we would have said the same thing.

I think I'm in love with a guy I have known for six months now. We are good friends and flirt, A LOT! This may seem good and all, but he has a girlfriend. They have been dating for almost two years, and he has told me he thinks he is in love with her. I don't know what she feels for him, but I think it's the same. I have no idea what to do. HELP!

No, it doesn't seem good. At all. Like, he so has a girlfriend. And they seem to dig each other. A LOT! If you want to be a good friend, then don't go messing with true wuv (or something like it). That just pisses Cupid off.

I am a twenty-one-year-old bisexual female. I'm engaged to a great guy who means the world to me. I recently fell in love with a girl who goes to my college. She's a freshman and I graduate in May. I really like her physically and emotionally. At the moment, we are just good friends. I'm unsure of her sexuality, but I know she at least likes guys. I want to pursue a relationship with her, and that means a three-person relationship. My fiance knows that I have feelings for her. He knew about my sexuality before we got serious. Are both relationships doomed if I pursue this? How do people who have polyamorous relationships make it work?

Wait a minute: You're twenty-one and you're in college? What the hell are you doing already engaged? Call off the engagement — at least for a couple of years — and you'll be well on the way to solving your problems.

Cheating is not relative; the world is divided into cheaters and non-cheaters. And "cheating" is "wrong" with or without the quote marks.

TALK TO HER

If I want a girl to dig me, should I ever consider telling her I'm a virgin? If so, when? I've been able to fool girls into thinking I know what I'm doing, but am petrified if it came down to intercourse I'd be found out. There's nothing weirder or less promising sexually than a twenty-four-year-old virgin (women I've told think it's sweet, but I don't see them lining up at my door), and I'd hate to ruin a potential relationship because of this one flaw. So what do I do? I'm pretty much clueless.

Weird? Less than promising? A flaw? We think any girl worth her sex would be totally psyched for fresh meat to sculpt and mold into the ideal lover. (If not, then we'd guess she's just using your virginity as an excuse to get out of the relationship 'cause you're a dud in other ways.) If the twenty-four-year-olds don't bite, try a thirty-year-old chick instead; we know they'd play teacher quicker than you can say "go sit (on my face) in the corner."

As long as your friend really is just a friend, and isn't a close friend of your girlfriend's, then it doesn't matter what the sex of your friend is. Get it, our friend?

A CRY FOR HELP

I am hoping that you can help me. You see, a few years ago, I went through a really bad medical problem (brain tumor and cancer), but I am better now. At twenty-four, I am at my sexual peak and cannot go five minutes without thinking about sex. Anyway, when I was sick, I got no financial help from the government, and had to use all of my savings for meds and school tuition. I am looking to get one of those fake vaginas to help with my "alone" time, and wanted to see if your company might be able to spare one. I can't afford to even go to dinner with friends or anything anymore, and I would really like one of these items. Anyway, I have documentation from my hospital if you need to verify that I did in fact have a serious illness, and would really like it if you could spare one of these. I have enormous amounts of stress in my life, and I think that this could help. As it happens, we're all out of faux vaginas this week. But maybe one of our readers can help out? If so, drop us a line at and we'll forward any mail to the stress bunny.

WHO DO WE LOOK LIKE?

What do you do if you have a "friend" who has turned into a total dork (and I mean TOTAL dork), and you have been driven to the point of envisioning them in a number of deadly situations? Okay, I could just leave her on the side of the road...but she's my locker partner for the rest of the year. What can I say? Holy shit. Signed, a seventh grader who is not supposed to be on this site.

Holy shit is right. (Though you really shouldn't swear.) Could you be the better person and gently help her not be a dork? Oh, who are we kidding — you're in seventh grade. Just get one of those really big book bags so you don't need a locker. Now get off this site and don't come back until you turn eighteen or get a note from your parents.

What do you do when you have a son, age ten, who gives me a hard time. He didn't want to go to school today. So what am I to do? I tried sweet-talking him into going. Then I tried forcing him. And the worst part, he thinks it funny. I felt like taking him by the PJs and dragging him to the bus stop.

Um, this is a personals site, you know, dedicated to sex and love, not the evil spawn of that sex and love. Besides, neither of us has kids. Then again, being totally clueless about something never stopped us from talking out our asses before. It sounds like you've got to show him who's boss, lay down the law, play the bad cop, be the alpha dog. Get him in line before puberty hits, 'cause it's all downhill from there.

Ingredients for topping: 2 tbls butter; 2 cups bread crumbs; 1 cup grated extra-sharp cheddar; 1 tomato
Ingredients for cheese sauce: 3 tbls butter; 3 tbls all-purpose flour; 4 cups whole milk; 4 cups grated extra-sharp cheddar; 1 cup frozen peas (defrosted); salt and pepper; 3/4 pound elbow macaroni
1. Pre-heat your oven to 400F. Boil salted water for macaroni. Grease a shallow baking dish.
2. To make the sauce, take a big heavy saucepan and melt the butter over low heat, then stir in the flour. This is called a "roux," if you care about shit like that. Stir over low heat for three minutes, then gradually whisk in the milk and bring to a boil, stirring constantly. Then simmer, stirring every now and then, for 3 minutes. Next, stir in the cheese, add salt and pepper to taste, and remove from heat. Finally, add the cooked and drained macaroni to the sauce, then add the peas, and pour the whole thing into the baking dish.
3. To make the topping, melt the butter and stir in the bread crumbs and cheese. Slice the tomato and layer the bread-cheese mix and tomato slices on top of the macaroni cheese.
4. Bake the whole thing in the oven for 20-30 minutes, or until everything looks crispy, golden, and melted.

Yes. And no, we don't have any naked ones.

Genetically, no. Psychically, yes.

Huh. Where'd you read up on that theory, Lezzie Urban Myths Monthly? We've also heard that pets and owners start to resemble each other as the years go by. Woof! And for the record, we're straight on most days...and wouldn't date each other even if we weren't. There's gotta be some mystery for there to be magic.

I saw your new photo on your column. You're so good looking! But I think you're an evil genius: I think you're one person. I think "Lo" is your (Em's) imaginary friend, the one who looks exactly like you but does what you don't do, or thinks what you don't think, or sings the little tunes you hear in your head so you won't have to spend the energy, or tells you "You're right!" when you need a second opinion. I think you're the good one and Lo's the bad one. I think you're high, so she can be...lo. So, is there a Lo? I say No Lo! I dare you to reveal the truth to one of your most loyal followers at SexNewsDaily.com. And prove it. (An email from the mythical "Lo" won't do it.) Then again, maybe we common folks need the myth to keep going. To believe. I mean, if there's no God, then what? Then there has to be a Lo.

Lo is like the wind, like electricity, like love, like State Farm: You can't always see her, but you know she's there.

You're right, Boston is problematic, but only because it sucks. The real barrier to entry is that we don't do threeways (at least not together).

Hey I just read some of your advice, and I have to say, Em & Lo, you two are really wise about relationships. How does one get such perspective about life and love at so young an age? Does this stuff come from some sort of lame self-help book? Does your ability to dispense advice carry over to your own lives? It would be so nice to have all of the answers...

We have all of the answers to your three questions — isn't that nice? 1) You have to be opinionated to the point of being totally obnoxious and conceited. 2) The only lame self-help book we use is our own, except it's not lame: The Big Bang hits bookstores this July. 3) Never. Haven't you noticed how psychologists always seem to have the most fucked up lives? Dishing it is always easier than taking it.