First, turn your girlfriend on (and no, we don't mean flicking the switch on your robotic pleasure doll). Then have her lie on her back while you insert one or two fingers, palm up, about one or two inches into her coochie. The top of the vaginal wall should have a slightly corrugated feel to it (as opposed to the other smoother sides of the vaginal canal). What you're feeling through the wall is the spongy, erectile tissue that surrounds the urethra, a.k.a. the G-spot. Apply firm and steady pressure using a "come hither" gesture. But don't expect miraculous results: Some women actually hate having their spot diddled. You might try the same moves, just another inch or two deeper — it's not officially the G-spot, but some ladies prefer having that area stimulated.

You've come to the right place: We're paid to feel comfortable about the topic. Use a condom when going down on him (just be sure to use a lube-free and/or pleasantly flavored rubber) and have him use an oral sex dam when going down on you. This is the only way to stay safe(r) until you've both been tested after six months of monogamy (the maximum incubation period for any STD). No ifs, ands, or "Isn't there a special soda I can drink instead?" about it. But remember: There's no test for HPV if you're asymptomatic, so either of you could be carriers and not know it; and most doctors won't offer to test for herpes if there are no symptoms, unless you specifically request it. So, there's a small chance you could be carriers and never know it.

You know how to whistle, don't you? Just put your lips together and blow. To give a hickey, do the opposite: Put your lips together and suck. Think about channeling the spirit of a Hoover vacuum cleaner while you French kiss the skin surface where you intend to leave your mark. This should be a slow, steady, sensual process that's not painful to the recipient (and definitely doesn't break the skin). In fact, the only reason the recipient should be able to tell that you are in fact giving them a love bite is because they granted you permission to do so before you went Bela Lugosi on their ass.

You know how when you hold your finger over a hose and then let go, it squirts across the yard? Yeah, that's what it's all about. But don't worry: No matter how long your dry spell, your pipe won't burst.

Scam! But the placebo effect is awesome.

First, let's deal with the flatulence issue. As Em's mom always used to say (she was a particularly gassy child): Chew! The biggest wind culprit is ingesting excess air, which happens when you chow down, when you don't chew, when you chew gum, when you smoke, when you drink through a straw, and when you talk with your mouth full. None of which you should be doing on a first date — or in any kind of polite company — if you ask us. Which, hey, you did. In addition, the following foods may make you toot even if you mash them into a pulp before swallowing: Broccoli, cabbage, carrots, celery, raisins, prunes, onions, beans (all kinds), asparagus, pears, apples, peaches, whole grains, dairy, and soda. And most especially Brussels sprouts. Of course, that doesn't leave you much on the menu to work with. So as a general rule, we'd say lay off any dishes with beans, any dishes heavy on dairy, and any dishes served with Brussels sprouts.

If you're planning on getting really close and personal, certain foods can affect the way you smell and taste down there. The worst offenders when it comes to your love juices (both men and women) are asparagus, coffee, booze, cigarettes, and some drugs (especially cocaine). You might also find that large quantities of broccoli, salty foods, alkaline-heavy foods like meats and fish, and dairy all make you taste a little "off." To improve your flavor downtown, try melon, kiwi, pineapples, strawberries, and cinnamon. Besides, dessert is always sexy. We've heard celery helps, too, but what's the point in having yummy nectar if you're tooting all night along?

Amazon.com, if you can believe it, sells a great vintage porn DVD: Vintage Erotica Anno 1930. It features about twenty short vignettes of hardcore girl-boy, girl-girl, and boy-boy action. And though it's dirty, there's something about the silent, slightly sped-up, black & white film that's set to old-fashioned music and featuring normal looking people that makes it rather sweet. Great for couple watching! Amazon also sells Vintage Erotica Anno 1940 — we haven't seen it yet and won't be able to recommend it until one of you kind souls sends it to us off our wishlist.

How do you get the pinball out of the pinball machine? We're all about being creative, but anytime you go sticking stuff up your coochie that wasn't made specifically to be stuck up your coochie, you run the risk of infection, or worse, an embarrassing emergency room visit. Best to stick with sure-fire compatible objects like penises, fingers, tongues, and quality sex toys. There are a bunch of products made specifically for strengthening your pelvic muscles (familiarly known as your PCs): You can buy Betty's Barbell ($65) or the Platinum Vibe ($46) from the good ladies at GoodVibes.com, or check out the patented stainless steel Kegelcisor ($76) at Babeland.com. But you don't need any fancy gadgets to get stronger vaginal muscles. Just do your kegel exercises: Squeeze your pelvic muscles (like you're stopping the flow of pee), hold for two or three seconds, and release. Do it again, four or five more times. Repeat three times daily. After a few weeks, up your rep and the count you hold for. If you think it might be easier if you had something to squeeze around, try using your own fingers or a friend's sheathed penis.


Just the sex facts ma'am,
Em & Lo