Dear B.M.,

DO NOT MENTION YOUR HUGE SCHLONG IN YOUR PERSONAL AD! Repeat: DO NOT MENTION YOUR HUGE SCHLONG IN YOUR PERSONAL AD. We can't tell you how many men make this mistake in these here Personals. It's as uncool as telling your girlfriend's parents she gives great head, as inappropriate as talking to your dinner guests about the great shit you took that morning, as crass as mentioning your huge schlong in your personal ad. You can't bring it up on a date, either — at least, not seriously. No reaching across the table, touching her hand gently, staring deeply into her eyes and saying solemnly, "There's something you should know about me..." or, "I'm not like other guys..." And you especially can't mention the countless women who have run screaming at the sight of your sausage.

Here's why: First of all, a warning is never gonna work the way you want it to — it'll either gross her out or pique her curiosity. But even if she's grossed out, she'll probably stick around long enough to satisfy her curiosity (and have a good story to tell her friends). And if her curiosity doesn't trump her dude-that's-so-wrong reaction, you might have just scared away the one vagina that would have fit you like a glass slipper. Giving potential suitors a heads up (or should we say, a heads down) suggests some kind of medical problem. And mentioning all the size-ists in your past is just bad manners — a lady should never be forced to imagine another lady's chafed vagina while on a date. That kind of image gets burned into your brain...forever.

The only situation in which it might be acceptable to mention the magnitude of your manhood is if the conversation takes a turn for the saucy. You're out, things are going well, you've had a few cocktails, the innuendoes are flowing freely, she recounts a suggestive story about that one time at band camp, and you retort with a lighthearted "I definitely don't mean to toot my own horn, but, well, I happen to have what you might call a, um, tuba in my trousers." Wink wink, nudge nudge. If she inquires further, you can talk about it very humbly and very vaguely, without getting into any gory details. If she doesn't probe, just laugh it off and consider her "warned."

But even then, what's the point? There are so many more factors at play when it comes to sexual compatibility. Sex isn't just about two bits fitting together, it's about chemistry, attraction, pheromones, politics, dogs vs. cats, kissing styles, creativity, emotional sensitivity, intelligence, sense of humor, birth control preferences, kink factor, body mass index, hygiene, bedsheet thread count, STD tests, self esteem, stamina, exhibitionism, and asparagus intake — most of which you can't determine before the blessed event (which is why we're big fans of premarital sex). Mentioning size is like mentioning the way you smell down there — how it smells to you may not be how it smells to your partners, and how it smells to one luvva may not be how it smells to another. Some might find it ranker than their driving instructor's B.O., others might find it sweeter than the nectar of the gods. Even if the majority of them aren't down with what you've got, you've still got to do the hard dating work like the rest of us to find out the very few people out there who are right for you.

So, you won't always be able to overcome size with enough chemistry and similar political views — sometimes the glove just don't fit and you must acquit. But the next time you get a "woah" reaction, give them the above speech and then prove to them that the other factors matter more: Use more lube — as the experts (us!) always say, too much is almost enough. Keep reapplying throughout the sesh (that's where a pump dispenser comes in handy). And don't scrimp — KY might be cheap and readily available at the drugstore, but it can't compete with the higher-end, longer-lasting, heartier, silicone-based lubes available at sex stores like Toys in Babeland and Good Vibrations. Make sure she's good and ready before you make your grand entrance: The more turned on she is, the more room there is in the back two-thirds of her vagina. Think shallow penetration and slow, gentle thrusting. (In fact, the coital alignment technique might be perfect for your special friends.) Try positions that let her set the pace (woman on top), or simply hold still in any position and let her thrust back at you. Accept that there probably won't be a lot of anal sex or marathon blowjobs in your future — but take comfort in the fact that your girlfriend(s) will always have that nice filled-up feeling so many women enjoy. Finally, get away from the idea that jackhammering is the only way to do "it." Embrace your inner lesbian and think about more creative, less penetrative approaches to sex to throw into the mix: frottage, "titty fucks" (just don't call it that), handwork, surrogate toys, etc.

And to all you wishful thinkers who keep writing to us about penis enlargement pills, penis pumps, penis weights, and penile surgery, take comfort in Big John's story: Bigger isn't always better.

We'd like to thank all the little people,
Em & Lo