Dear GH,

First of all, we'd like to give you a Golden Dildo Award for bravery and honesty in the face of danger (or, at least, in the face of temporary chastity). If only everyone felt as compelled as you clearly do to offer up the full scoop on their sexual histories. We almost didn't publish your letter in case it scared some readers into continuing to conceal an STD out of fear of loneliness (or horniness). But then we figured a virtual spanking in this column would convince them otherwise. So bend over, people: If you've got something, you gotta tell. Fucking is not a right, it's a privilege, and you've got to earn that privilege via honest communication about your bod and where it's been.

Unfortunately, honest communication isn't always the quickest route to the most sex. (Hence, so many liars...who will eventually get theirs in Hell.) But there are ways you can approach the dreaded conversation so it doesn't feel like you're dropping a bomb on helpless Iraqi civilians (sorry, wrong column). Don't make too huge a deal about it but don't gloss over it either. Give her the basics — because despite the fact that this culture is soaked in sex, most people are still clueless when it comes to STDs. And don't assume just 'cause you've got it, you know how it works across the board: Do your homework so you can accurately answer any questions she might have. The National Herpes Hotline can be reached at 919.361.8488 (every operator we spoke to there was sweet as pie); their companion website is ASHASTD.org/hrc. In addition, the Centers for Disease Control have a National STD hotline (1.800.227.8922) and a website (Cdc.gov). They can answer any questions and also direct you to a local STD clinic for anonymous, free (or at least, cheap) help. Other nice helpful people can be found at the Planned Parenthood Federation of America (1.800.230.PLAN or Plannedparenthood.org).

After you've dropped mad science, explain to her the myriad ways in which you can reduce risk. During an outbreak, you'll keep your pants on. Obviously. You'll embrace your inner sensualist and indulge in a lot of lovey-dovey hand-holding and deep eye contact. At all other times, you'll use protection. (Because for a few days each year — and there's no way to tell which days — most herpes carriers will be contagious in the absence of an outbreak. It's called asymptomatic shedding, and occurs in the area where you usually get sores.) She may be better protected by the female condom, as you could be shedding the virus from your balls, bum, etc., and the female condom offers a teeny bit more coverage. You may even choose to keep your boxer briefs on during sex so only your sheathed member is exposed — it's not official protection, but hey, it couldn't hurt. And like we told Cockzilla last week: Sex doesn't always have to mean penetration — we see a lot of cunnilingus and mutual masturbation in your future." Next, give your girlfriend space to digest the news. Point her in the direction of the resources mentioned above so she can do her own research and come to an informed decision. Remember, don't ever pressure a partner into an answer, don't tell her how she should feel about it, and don't try to sucker her into falling in love with you before you make your confession either. However, hoping with every fiber of your being that she falls in love first is okay by us.

By the way, you might be interested to know that with more than one in five Americans infected with herpes (less than a third of whom know it because they never have outbreaks, lucky bastards), chances are at least one of those women who rejected you has already slept with a herpes carrier — either because the guy didn't know, or didn't feel compelled to share. (Again we return to that ROT IN HELL thing.) If more people fessed up to herpes, then we'd all know a little more about it — and probably not be so freaked out. Knowledge is power, and power is sexy. Of course, you might not want to mention this when first telling your partner about your sitch — it could come across as a little defensive. ("Oh yeah? You're dumping me 'cause of herpes? Well, I bet all your exes were infected AND lying assholes to boot.") It's just a little something to remind you that you are among many of the totally cool and probably very good-looking people with herpes.

But the main thing to do — and excuse us while we get all Dr. Phil on your ass — is to take care of yourself, both physically and emotionally. Repressive drug therapy (see your doc) can speed recovery and lessen the severity and frequency of outbreaks, as well as possibly reducing the number of days when you're asymptomatically shedding. Boosting your immune system will also help: Take multi-vitamins (focusing on B complex, C, E, A, zinc, iron, calcium, and during outbreaks, vitamin E) and lysine supplements, and avoid junk food or foods with arginine (chocolate, soda pop, nuts [especially peanuts], rice, coffee, tea). No tanning in the sun, no scratching the area (even when you've got no sores), and — here's the tricky one — no stress. Get yourself a therapist or a support group — in a couple years, herpes will not be that big a deal to you; but now, having gotten it so recently, it's the weight of the world. You deserve to have someone to vent to. And while we're loathe to send people away from our Personals, you really should check out the site Meet People with Herpes (which wins the Golden Dildo for Most Unapologetic Website Name). Even if you don't necessarily meet the love of your life there, you can probably find consolation/empathy/advice regarding the big talk.

And please, if any of you happen to be on the receiving end of a conversation like this, be cool about it. Honest Abes like our friend here should be rewarded for their behavior — not with unprotected genital-to-genital contact, natch, but at least with a polite, considerate, and sympathetic response. Of course, it's your right to walk away (just don't run). But know this: You could be turning your back on your one true soulmate and walking into a future of eternal solitude.

By the way, our book, The Big Bang, due out this July, has a humongo chapter on STDs, including herpes. It focuses on straightforward, practical information you can't always get from those clinic pamphlets. Spread the love (not the diseases) by pre-ordering it here today.

Crossing guards,
Em & Lo