Dear Sue,

Ah, the old madonna-whore complex. It's been around for as long as men have been sleeping with madonnas and whores: The guys who suffer from it don't care where you've been as long as they don't care where you're going, but the moment they start to imagine a future with you in it, they want you to become a born-again virgin. Thanks to your boyfriend's only recent discovery of the joys of serious sex, he seems to have leap-frogged to the second stage of this complex, missing the joys of casual sex altogether.

Maybe it's a case of not knowing what he's missing, or not understanding what he's dissing. But if we were gambling women, we'd say it's mostly a matter of control. He seems to associate casual sex with destructive behavior, with being out of control — in the same way that drug addiction can spin a life out of control. And if the two are linked in his mind, then your casual recounting of your casual encounters is like whipping out an old bong from college and telling him about the time you got high with your friends, developed a serious case of the munchies, walked to the student cafeteria, and suddenly realized you weren't wearing any pants. Hilarious (and benign) to you and your dinner companions, but to him, it could be a crass or even painful reminder of the past. What he's learned at N.A. has probably seeped into most areas of his life, affecting the way he thinks about everything from drugs (even the ones he may never have taken) to sex (even the kind he may never have had).

It's hard for people with very strong moral convictions not to try to impose them on others, especially those they love. (Think anti-abortionists, Jehova's Witnesses, us.) Like your boyfriend, we're totally down with the awesome love-sex combo, but that doesn't mean a strict, lifelong adherence to it is a relationship requirement. Just 'cause he never separated the two doesn't make you a bad person for doing so. And the fact that he wants you to disassociate yourself from your past shows a distinct lack of respect in our book. (By the same token, we're so not fans of people who, once they get into a relationship, try to pretend their past didn't happen, and suddenly act like they were always a saint.) If he really respects you so much, then he'll accept the multi-faceted you. You don't give him a hard time for once being a junkie; you love him for who he is now — and he wouldn't be who he is now if it weren't for his shady, druggie past. You recognize that he has the ability to grow and change, as do you. It's kind of like guys forgiving Em for all the Dave Matthews she used to listen to, or forgiving Lo for cheerleading in high school. The fact that you're having committed, loving sex now should be proof enough for your boyfriend that you've moved on.

But perhaps it's less an issue of control than it is one of humor. He probably doesn't feel that lighthearted about his life before you, so it might be hard for him to understand how you can be so blasé about your life before him. Maybe he doesn't think sex can be fun and/or funny. But he needs to be able to laugh about sex, as well as the past — it's key to living a happy life, or at least to not going completely insane from constant existential crises. He also needs to learn that even within a committed, loving relationship, people can and should "just get fucked." Just because you're in love, doesn't mean the sex should always be a solemn act with lots of deep, meaningful eye contact and tender face-holding. Fun and dirty, fun and dirty — that should be his new mantra. Most guys would be over the moon if they fell in love with a chick who happened to like the sex fun and dirty. Maybe your guy just needs a little practice.

Or maybe he's just jealous. Hey, he wouldn't be the first possessive boyfriend in the world.

If you are peas in a pod, nothing is doomed. Yet. Like you said and we so eloquently reiterated, what you did in the past doesn't really have anything to do with the present; but the way you two handle it now does. In the same way that your boyfriend needs to figure out why he's so bothered by this issue, you need to figure out why you keep bringing up your exes. No matter how cool someone is with your sexual history, talk of exes is pretty much always annoying — that's an objective truth. And if he doesn't think your stories are "pretty funny," then what's the point in telling them to him? Would it be such a big deal to spare his feelings? There's a huge difference between being comfortable with your past and rubbing your boyfriend's face in it. (That sounded dirtier than we meant it.) You'll just have to meet halfway, that's all. Your boyfriend's going to have to chill the fuck out a little, and you might have to sacrifice the occasional "Did I tell you about my ex and the mysterious disappearing buttplug" joke.

And remember, as long as you've been tested for all the STDs (which of course you have been, right?), then the number of partners in your past shouldn't be an issue. It shouldn't even come up. There's not some set number which, once surpassed, guarantees you a spot in the official Slut Club. As long as you're kind, honest, and thoughtful, you could fuck around more than Wilt Chamberlain and still deserve four or five decades of hot monogamy when you finally settle down.

N-O S-H-A-M-E, nooooooo shame!
Em & Lo