Dear Shallow Gal,

If it's such an issue for you, how on earth did you end up in a six-month relationship with Funnyface? Is good cunnilingus really that hard to find? Never mind six months, how on earth did you end up in bed together the first time? Either you were wearing some serious beer goggles, or your boyfriend should take his "razor-sharp wit" to Hollywood and cash in.

Regardless of what jedi mind tricks got you there, this is the deal on where you're at right now: It's okay not to be attracted to this man aesthetically speaking, but it's not okay to be ashamed of him. It's okay for you not to find him good-looking, but it's not okay to be so concerned with what others think. It's okay to think you're out of his league in the facial features department; it's not okay to assume that means you're out of his league in general. It's okay to judge his appearance; it's not okay to judge his worth by his appearance. It's okay to enjoy the hot sex (and his company) without wanting a serious relationship; it's not okay to let him think you want a serious relationship just to keep the good head and great jokes flowing.

Which means that if you want to be "okay" in our book, you've got to make a decision: Either you fess up to your friends and family, or you fess up to him. If you really can't stomach the awkward introductions and you're not prepared to give up on this guy — or if you kinda get off on having a secret luvver — then you're going to have to be honest with him. Not too honest, mind you — no need to tell him he jumped out of the ugly tree with a bungee cord and hit every branch on the way down...and up...and down. Rather, explain that you don't see this relationship going anywhere, or becoming any more serious. Tell him that casual dating and great sex are quite enough for you, thank you. If you say all that and he still sticks around for dinner, then you have our full permission to shag him behind closed doors/in seedy motels on desolate highways/when your roommate's out of town/in a blindfold whenever you want. You can close your eyes and picture Jake Gyllenhaal for all we care.

But we have a feeling that deep down you want to give it a shot. You're poised to be the better person — to live the feel-good romantic comedy of the season. You've obviously seen Shallow Hal — don't you remember the moral? What about Shrek? Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer? Everyone knows the ugly duckling is your best shot at a happily-ever-after ending. At the other end of the beauty's-only-skin-deep spectrum, there's Are You Hot? What lessons can we gleen from this car crash of a TV show? Probably that most intelligent beings would rather put a staple-gun to their eyelids than be forced to hold a five-minute conversation on the situation in Iraq with any of those contestants. There's a reason why so many uber-hotties couldn't tell a joke or argue a point if their nose job depended on it — they've never had to work as hard to hold someone's attention, and unlike your boyfriend, they've never had to woo someone with wit. Listen, everyone has a flaw: Your boyfriend's is his face. Your hamartia is that you're a secretly shallow, superficial scumbag. And Jude Law's? How much do you want to bet he has weird, mutant-looking balls? There's no such thing as the total package, but amazing sex, fiery chemistry, and a sparkling personality is about as close as it gets.

Anyway, there's something to be said for dating an anti–Brad Pitt who's great in the sack. It's like finding treasure stashed where no one would think to look for it, like discovering the best burger in town for three bucks at the greasy spoon, like being the only person who knows where your local library shelves all the porn. Some would even say that with your boyfriend's decreased market value, he'll be less likely to stray than more handsome (read: cockier) dudes. Or at least less likely to be hit on constantly by scavengers. And as the hot one in the relationship, you have so much more freedom than you might with an Adonis: You don't have to worry about what you look like all the time (a disorder that causes too many women to pass up a great date because they don't have the "right" outfit, or to pass up great sex because they haven't shaved their assholes that day). Being liberated from fascist beauty standards means you'll feel less inhibited, which means even better sex! You can truly be yourself — well, yourself once you drop the shallow act.

Once you've made your peace with his pizza face, you've got to deal with your friend issues. It's a little condescending to want to protect him — this is your problem, not his, especially since he's gung-ho to meet your family. And what kind of jerkfaces do you have in your life that you're so sure they'd give you a hard time about his face to yours? It's only the lame-o's who will make fun of you for being with him; the cool kids will assume he treats you exceptionally well and has an enormous schwanzstucker — they will think only the best of you because you're obviously not a shallow prick. At least give your friends a chance to be cool. No pre-coming-out-party qualifiers behind his back; just introduce him with a thumbs up to give him a fighting chance. Your friends don't have to find him sexy (they're not going to be sleeping with him), they only have to enjoy his company, or at the very least, be happy for you that you've found someone who gives you explosive O's.

Maybe your friends will surprise you, and they'll welcome him with open arms. Maybe you'll surprise yourself, and realize it's not such a big deal. Or maybe he'll surprise you, and grow into a very distinguished-looking older man...who ends up dumping you for some eighteen-year-old hottie who'd beat your conceited ass in a beauty contest any day.

Looks fade, personal integrity is forever,
Em & Lo