Dear S.C.,

The problem ain't your brother's sexuality, it's the relationship between you two. You're both wasting the natural bond, the unconditional love that can and should exist between siblings, allowing you to share your most embarrassing moments, your biggest worries, your dread of the family reunion down in Florida — without guilt, shame, or fear that you're being overly annoying/needy/boring. There's something about being born from the same vagina — or at least being raised by the same parent(s) — that gives brothers and sisters the freedom to be both their best selves and their worst selves, indeed their true selves around each other.

In a perfect Norman Rockwell world, that's how it's supposed to work. But if it hasn't naturally progressed that way for the two of you, then you're going to have to work on it. You don't have to be his "bro" or his "brah" or his "best bud" overnight (or ever), just be a friend. You already have all this shared history, including perhaps the small ways your parents messed up both of you over the years, so work with that. (Never underestimate the bonding potential of blaming your parents for your current failures and disappointments.) Show him you're there for him, be supportive, talk about the stuff going on in your life (the big stuff and all that small stuff that you're not supposed to sweat), offer up intimate details, turn to him for advice and support with your own problems. Ease into it, of course — there's nothing more off-putting than someone who shares too much, too soon. Start with the issues you have with the captain of your bowling team, and gradually work up to dating and relating. Once he sees you opening up, he's more likely to do the same — after all, you are the big brother, and he probably looks up to you whether you know it or not. Rather than you having to pry, he'll start turning to you when he needs a sounding board, a shoulder to cry on, a low-interest loan, or a recommendation for some good anal lube. Get on the brotherly love bus now, before you're ninety-three and he's ninety and you can't remember either of your names, let alone your sexual preferences.

Becoming his friend is also the best way to help him with his depression. Drop the problem-solver mentality — you're not a doctor, or Sherlock Holmes, or Fox News. Again, it's all about exuding an "I'm here to listen" vibe (damn, there we go channelling our inner Oprah). Besides, it's much easier to express concern about his apparent unhappiness than about his sexual orientation: You can say, "You seem down"; you can't say, "You seem gay." You can give him the number of a good therapist; you can't give him the number of a great guy you think he should meet — at least not yet.

One way you can be like Sherlock Holmes is to assume nothing, especially since you're not that close right now. Just because he's bummed out, doesn't necessarily mean he's gay. The blues can be caused by anything from existential angst over a weak chin to a chemical imbalance in the brain. Just because he hasn't fallen in love yet, doesn't necessarily mean he's holding out for the love that dare not speak its name. He's only twenty! And using someone's relationship success rate as the criteria for judging their sexual orientation would make ninety-eight percent of the men we know gay. Just because his relationships with women don't resemble yours, doesn't necessarily mean he'd rather be loving like the ancient Greeks. Maybe he's got his own idea about how things should work. And just because he values his friendships with men, doesn't necessarily mean he plays for their team. Not everyone buys into the notion that your partner should be your everything — from your lover to your best friend to your gym partner to your life coach. Plus, your little bro's probably years away from thinking about marriage, so it would be weird for him not to want or need his guy friends around.

Being so presumptuous about these things is like us presuming that you're just projecting doubts about your own sexuality onto your brother: Maybe you're gay! That's the problem with stereotypes — they're so unreliable. Gay/straight checklists only exist on TV sitcoms. So even if your brother is mincing around the house in a muu muu, renting Mommy Dearest, and buying all his clothes two sizes too small at Structure — he could still be straight. Em wears construction boots and Lo rarely shaves her legs, and we even used to make out in public as a party trick (that Russian duo Tatu's got nothing on us), but we're totally straight! (Do we protest too much?)

It's like the song "William's Doll" from that great '70s treatise on gender equality (subtly disguised as a children's album), Free to Be You and Me. Basically, everyone in this kid's life — his best friend Ed, his cousin Fred, his macho dad — are all freaking out because Bill prefers baby dolls over baseballs. The subtext is that they're all freaking out because they think he's gay. But then the wise grandmother comes along, hangs out with the boy, and realizes that William wants a doll "so when he has a baby someday, he'll know how to dress it, put diapers on double, and gently caress it to bring up a bubble, and care for his baby, as every good father should learn to do."

Of course, William could have grown up to be gay (hey, homos make great dads, too!). Maybe your brother is humping up the wrong tree. Either way, it's obvious your intentions are honorable. So once you've become closer and you've tried to help him with his depression, if you still suspect his sexual identity is an issue for him (not you), then and only then can you begin to address it. But subtly, oh so subtly. You can never accuse someone of being gay, as if it's some sort of crime. What if you're wrong — then you've created a whole new problem. Instead, you've got to approach it like the cast of Saturday Night Live approached the painfully androgynous Pat. No one ever came right out and asked "Are you a man or a woman?" because that would have been rude and inappropriate and totally inconsiderate of Pat's feelings, not to mention his (or her) right to privacy. Your brother deserves the same respect. Make it clear you approve of "alternative lifestyles" (just don't use that archaic term), mention your gay friends (you do have some, right?), maybe even bring up that time in college when you drunkenly made out with your male roommate at the urging of your then-girlfriend (you did "experiment," right?). Plant the seed of possibility. If it should happen to take root, you won't have to dig — just knowing you're cool with whoever he is should be enough for him to confide in you.

Whichever orifice it turns out he prefers to stuff (like it really matters all that much), don't be surprised when your brother takes advantage of your newly-close relationship to confront you about a thing or two, like your beer belly, your last girlfriend, or your questionable taste in dress pants.

Sexually curious,
Em & Lo