Dear Curious George & Georgina,

At least you're not going to one of those free love conferences and swinging unselectively. You know the ones, where old, saggy, naked strangers hang out in those sex-swing contraptions, eating potato chips, drinking Coors Lite, banging the night away. The excruciating small talk, the one-eyed wonder worms staring you in the face, the crumbs in your nooks and crannies...oh, the humanity!

No, your kind of swinging, where you meet a cool couple you'd like to get to know a lot better — now that's the kind of swinging we can really get behind and pat on the tushy. The process from handshake to dickshake between two couples is not unlike dating: you make a connection, see each other for dinner and a movie, decide to start hanging out more and more without ever really talking about it, all the while hoping they think you're as cool as you think they are, and next thing you know you're all naked in a hot tub. But if regular dating is complicated, then double-dating is, well, doubly so.

The best way to make it less complicated is to set your boundaries ahead of time with your wife. These "get-togethers" usually happen spontaneously and unexpectedly, like after the four of you have shared two bottles of wine, finished the Blockbuster rental, and accidentally stumbled on some cable-access porn — then someone has the audacity to make an indecent proposal and you're off to the races. Since you can't exactly read your wife's mind in that scenario, you should have the boundary talk with her sooner rather than later.

The most important thing is to make sure you're both equally eager to get your feet wet in the swingers pool — that one of you isn't dragging the other in for a dip less than fifteen minutes after they've eaten. You've also got to make sure you're going to be comfortable around the other swimmers. What if Mr. Jones' water noodle is bigger than yours? Are you going to be able to handle that? Even if you're not homophobic, are you going to be freaked out if it accidentally brushes up against you? And how cool are you with your wife straddling it? You and the missus need to figure out ahead of time exactly what you each will and won't do with Mr. Jones' noodle, as well as Mrs. Jones' own flotation devises. (If you figure out that you probably will freak out and you won't have fun, then best to keep the fourway a fantasy for now.)

Seeing as this is your first time, it's okay to plan on going slowly. Maybe you all just make-out junior-high style and then go to your respective homes for traditional one-on-one fizzucking. Maybe one couple just watches the other get it on. Maybe you have sex with your own wife while your neighbors do each other in the same bed. Maybe you're okay with roving handwork, but no cross-couple oral or intercourse. Maybe the women can do whatever they want in the middle of the bed as long as the guys stay on the far side of their respective partners.

So let's say you've made it to the double date: The wine has been drunk, the porn is on, and you and your wife have given each other the secret go-ahead hand signal. Now you've got to get on the same page as the other couple. You don't have to sit them down and make them sign a contract, you don't have to go over the entire evening's game plan, and you don't have to lend them your copy of the Swinging for Dummies manual. Just casually suggest what you would like to do, with the implication that that's all you'd like to do. If they're the seasoned swingers you suspect them of being — or if they're just plain cool people — they'll know exactly what you mean. Of course, we don't mean to suggest that you should tip-toe around the real issues at hand or be embarrassed about getting into specifics. Seeing as some of the activities you're likely to engage in will involve some exchange of bodily fluids, or at least some rubbing of bodily parts, you're going to have to talk about — and have — safer sex. And if you'd rather not have Mr. Jones' tongue exploring your black hole, it's okay to say to him, "Why don't we keep our boxers on?" If you're worried that your good-touch/bad-touch rules might kill everyone's buzz prematurely, you can address issues as they come up in the moment, as long as it's in a sexy bedroom voice.

And hey, maybe once you're in that moment, he won't be as on top of your johnson as you're anticipating. Serious boy-on-boy action is actually not that common in swinging circles (though if you ask us, that's bullshit!). Better yet, maybe once you're in the moment you'll find him more attractive than you do now. When you're all sexed up at two in the morning, a little sword fighting may suddenly not seem so unappealing. Ultimately, whatever you and your wife decide, whatever you agree upon with your couple friends, it's not going to go the way you think it will or plan it to. Remember, you've got twice as many people in the mix to fuck up your fantasy. Boundaries will get pushed. You may even feel twinges of jealously, envy, insecurity — especially if you're from this planet. The liaison probably won't be as hot as you dreamed, and you probably won't be as smooth as you hoped. But that's all O-Kay, because once all is said and sucked, it's never as big a deal as you expected. Just respect the rules of engagement you've all agreed on, while remembering to go with the flow a little bit, too.

But if there's one rule you should never break as a newbie, it's this: Always put your primary partner first. Make sure she doesn't feel left out of the naked Twister game. Of course, not everyone has to be equally entwined on the Twister mat at all times. Someone may be happy just to spin the dial for a while, a.k.a. masturbate, change the CD, fetch some refreshments. When in doubt, always give your spouse a little more attention than the other two. At the very least, occasionally make meaningful eye contact with her while touching someone else's naughty bits. Your wife should give you the same courtesy.

Once everyone's been sated, you'll be faced with the age-old dilemma of casual sex: To sleep over or not to sleep over? If you're the kind of couple who really needed that wine to warm up to the situation, it's probably best to make a graceful exit before sun-up; you don't want the cold harsh light of day, a dual hangover, and your friends' morning breath ruining a perfectly good fantasy night. But if you don't want to miss out on that morning-after mix of awkwardness and intimacy (and if you don't care what the neighbors think), then by all means stay the night and have brunch together the next day. That's why fourways beat threeways any night of the week: No one feels like a third wheel.

Whenever you say your goodbyes, establish how much of the previous night's romp is fair fodder for the watercooler. It's perfectly acceptable to insist that the first rule of Swingers Club is, you do not talk about Swingers Club. It's about privacy, not shame. You don't want it getting out at the next PTA meeting how good the two of you are in the sack, lest all your friends and neighbors start banging on your back door to bang on your back doors.

Fuck the fences,
Em & Lo