Dear Pip,

She sounds like a dream! No, really. We love a girl with convictions who doesn't back down just 'cause she's got a crush. (Did you catch the episode of this season's Bachelor when a vegetarian of twelve years let the dude hand-feed her a piece of meat? We almost gagged on our tofu dogs!)

But that's not the only reason we're leaning toward her side in this argument. Porn may not necessarily negatively impact the way you view women, but the big business of adult entertainment hasn't exactly catapulted the women's movement. Similarly, we doubt you've got any sweatshop management experience on your resume, but that doesn't mean you're not supporting sweatshop labor indirectly when you buy all sorts of items we'd mention here if it weren't for our lawyers. And don't even get us started on foie gras. Sure, sometimes bad porn happens to good people, but by being a consumer, you're voting with your dollars. (And unlike votes for Gore, those always get counted.)

Let's start with Playboy. Dude, what are you thinking? You only have to look at the cartoons to realize that it's a magazine for middle-aged overweight men with the sense of humor of a fourteen year old. (Unlike Maxim, which is a magazine for twenty-something beer-bellied men with the sense of humor of a fourteen year old.) Just because some urban chicks wear Playboy Bunny t-shirts for the kitsch value (at least, we hope that's the reason), doesn't make the magazine any less moronic than those stupid trucker caps all the hipster kids are wearing these days. And as we learned from foie gras and sweatshops, not jizzing on the pages doesn't justify the purchase. Besides, leaving it in your bathroom, or worse, on your coffee table, is just plain tacky. (For true quality reading material while you're on the pot, try The Onion.)

It probably boggles your girlfriend's mind that you could possibly find those corn-fed, blown-up, wax-skinned, bubble-headed centerfolds of Playboy (and most porn) attractive and be attracted to her — there's a huge disconnect there. When your adult entertainment uses such a narrow definition of what's sexy to men, when the photo spreads involve chicks wearing cheesy, scratchy lingerie and too much hairspray while bending over a carburetor, when every Playmate claims that it's been her dream since she was a little girl to pose for Playboy (ew! who lets their little girl read Playboy?) — then your girlfriend has legitimate cause for concern. If not about your politics, then about your taste.

When it comes to celluloid porn (which exists a little further down the slippery slope), her concerns probably run even deeper. If you believe Dateline, then all porn stars are undereducated, naive eighteen year olds who are lured in by false promises of Hollywood stardom, get taken advantage of for as long as their tits are perky and the sales are good, and then turn to a life of drugs and self hatred when the lights go out and the baum-chicka-baum music stops playing. Porn stars get screwed, literally and figuratively — no health insurance, no regulations, sometimes even no condoms. And unless you're a big-name star like Jenna Jameson, the huge media conglomerates that distribute the stuff (like G.M.) are the ones who rake it in while you work for peanuts (relatively speaking).

Of course, some women make this choice with a clear head and conscience, they find it empowering to be pleasured and to give pleasure, and they take pride in showing off their bodies (whether they came by those bodies via athletics or Amex). Unfortunately, they're in the minority. Hey, thirty years of liberation ain't a lot of time to balance the scales.

There's no Consumer Reports for porn, so you have to dig a little deeper if you want to be a conscientious consumer. And that's the only kind to be! That way, you shouldn't have to give it all up for your girlfriend. Check out recommendations on female-friendly sites like and Toys in Babeland and Good Vibrations, or stop by their stores and ask a sales rep — they'll be delighted to hear you want to become a responsible porn viewer! Babes in Toyland even offers a workshop giving an overview of women-friendly, women-produced porn. Starting with female producers or directors is a good bet. Check out the Suicide Girls online for D.I.Y. alterna-porn. Or how about illustrated and computer-generated porn, anime, dirty graphic novels, and comic strips — at least then you'll know that no actual humans were harmed or humiliated during the making of it. When you find some favorites, let us know: people are always asking us about porn-with-a-heart, and we'd be glad to spread the good word.

As far as convincing your girlfriend goes, don't push her. But don't lie about your porn habit or sneak behind her back either; that's just replacing one problem with a worse one. Tell her you want her help in finding porn that satisfies her admirable social conscience and both your libidos. Compromise: Tell her you'll cut way back and watch only female-friendly titles if she agrees to give at least one of them a chance. Maybe suggest some lesbian porn made by lesbians, so male-sponsored oppression is not even an issue. For some equal opportunity objectification, try gay porn or browse the Hooksexup Photography archives for more cool-looking naked guys (homo and hetero!) than anywhere else on the web. After all, "good" porn can actually improve your sex life: It gives you ideas to try out, fuels your fantasies, gets you in the mood, keeps things spicy — and it may just quench your thirst for the elusive "other" so neither of you ruin something so good. 'Cause if it ain't the porn, it's going to be something else that puts your relationship to the test.

Advice columnists for the ethical treatment of porn stars,
Em & Lo