Dear Woman,

What do you mean, dressing up like a schoolgirl doesn't turn you on? You don't get all hot and bothered recalling your teenage acne, your mortification the day your breasts sprouted, your junior prom date who said he'd "be right back" during a slow dance and left you standing there solo for the remainder of "In Your Eyes"?

But here's the thing: Eighty-six percent of the straight men reading this column just got a woody reading your question. Sure, the schoolgirl fantasy's a little cheesy and a lot cliché, but like we said two weeks back, your fantasy is your prerogative. Em has a bit of a thing for firemen and Lo has always dreamed of being a rock star with hordes of groupies throwing their boxer-briefs on stage — if you dig deep enough, most people have something trite hidden on their own private fantasy island. And in case you missed this other tidbit in the other week's column: Your boyfriend's fantasy doesn't mean he wants to molest an actual schoolgirl. It doesn't even mean he wants to molest Britney Spears in a schoolgirl outfit (then again...). It's just an idea he gets off on, a taboo that's sexy to break in the only place it's legal to do so — his own head (well, there and Mississippi). We'd guess that when your boyfriend was a schoolboy, he didn't bed nearly as many actual schoolgirls as he would have liked — no schoolboy beds as many actual schoolgirls as he'd like. Making up for that in his fantasy life (e.g. wanking to the "Oops! I Did It Again" video) is more effective than showing up to his ten-year high school reunion looking all buff.

Whatever the motivation behind your boyfriend's fantasy (maybe he just really likes plaid), it's not polite to dismiss it outright (unless, of course, you write an online sex advice column). In fact, it's not polite to dismiss outright anything someone requests in bed, assuming they ask nicely and it's not illegal. You don't have to agree to anything, of course, but you should at least be a good listener. When someone fesses up to a sexual preference, they're putting themselves out there, and if you laugh at them, tell them they're a freak, or wonder how the hell anyone could find that even remotely sexy, they're less likely to fess up in the future about other fantasies, ones you might actually have in common. So even if you're not over the moon about your boyfriend's particular preference this time, you should at least be psyched that he shared it with you. Hey, it could be worse — he could be obsessed with Strawberry Shortcake.

In the past, we've been accused (by guys, mostly) of always taking the chick's side. These guys complain that when they don't want to do something in bed, we tell them: "Don't be so anal! Suck it up and try it! Be like Mikey, you might just like it! Do it for feminism! Do it for your girlfriend!" Whereas when their girlfriends don't want to do something, these guys reckon we take a softer, more forgiving approach: "Don't let anyone pressure you into doing something you're not comfortable with," blah blah blah. For the record, we dish out tough love whenever we think it's needed, regardless of sex. It's just that — in our mailbag at least — the guys tend to be more in need. But not this time. Woman, now it's your turn to be like Mikey — and be like Britney. You're right, your boyfriend shouldn't pressure you into doing something you're not comfortable with, blah blah blah. And the confession of a fantasy should never be an indictment of someone's real-life sexual persona, e.g., "Honey, I've always fantasized about women with double Ds, and your tits are too small. Would you be a dear and get implants?" But as far as fairly innocent (in every sense of the word) role-playing goes, would it be so bad to try it, at least once? Not every sexual act has to get both partners off equally. Sometimes a thing is worth doing just because it gets your partner all juiced up — there's nothing hotter than seeing someone you love gagging for it because of something you said/wrote/wore/sang/licked. Not a bad return on your investment in a $2.99 pair of white knee-socks from K-mart.

So even if role-playing makes you cringe just thinking about it, that's no guarantee you won't get your rocks off when the time comes. Every actor feels like they're going to vomit before they go on stage, but once the curtain goes up, they feel there's no place they'd rather be. Sure, if both of you feel silly in full medieval garb or doctor and nurse uniforms, then that's going to be a bit of a hindrance to a horny time for all — at least you'll have a laugh then. But as long as one of you — in this case, your boyfriend — finds the scenario sexy, that can be enough to mitigate the other's embarrassment/self-consciousness/overwhelming feeling of "oh my god I look like a horse's ass."

Once you've stopped feeling silly, anything's possible. You don't have to be the theatrical type just to play along, though you may find that once you're in costume — even if your costume comprises of nothing more than the aforementioned pair of white knee socks — you feel a little more, well, theatrical. When you don't feel quite yourself, it's easier to say things that would normally be out of character (which is why, sadly, so many people rely on getting ta-rashed to get into character). But don't worry if you don't get bit by the acting bug. You don't have to "convince" your boyfriend that you're a schoolgirl, you just have to put on the outfit — he and his dirty mind will fill in the rest. And for the record, you won't be "prancing." You'll be fucking.

Still cringing at the thought of showing up at your boyfriend's dorm room in a Catholic school uniform with a Blowpop in your mouth? Then just downgrade the get-up a little. Think props instead of full regalia. You'd be surprised how much pig-tails alone do it for guys with a thing for schoolgirl accouterments. Maybe you just wear knee-high socks and sensible white schoolgirl undies beneath your regular outfit. Or maybe you wait 'til Halloween.

By the way, if you do agree to play along with your boyfriend's schoolgirl fantasy just once — and just once is all we're asking — be sure to milk it for all it's worth. Remember how much you used to make out as a kid, back before you started having adult sex? Remember how much time you spent at second and third bases? Remember the hickeys? It's called foreplay, and we're going to go out on a limb here and say that you could probably use more of it every now and then (hey, we all could). So be the prudish schoolgirl and make your boyfriend work for it. This time, he has to talk you into sex. In your short plaid skirt (or even just in pig-tails), you're no longer a sure thing.

And don't forget, this is quid pro quo: Next time, your boyfriend dresses up as the paper delivery boy.

Slaves 4 U,
Em & Lo