Dear Afraid,

We don't blame you. Despite going into immense depth on the do's and don'ts of shaving down there last week, we nevertheless find the thought of sharp objects in that neighborhood a tad horrifying. For those of you who prefer not to run with scissors, but still wish to tame the beaver, read on:

Waxing

It hurts like hell but it hurts a little less like hell each time you go back for more pain and suffering. (It hurts a little more like hell in the week before your period, FYI.) You'll need at least a week's hair growth to get waxed, but then you'll be fur-free for four to six weeks. You'll probably have to follow up with a little tweezer action, since waxing makes you prone to in-grown hairs, though using a gentle exfoliator each day will discourage those peskk hairs. You can wax at home if you're not planning on getting tricky with any nooks and crannies, just be sure to follow the instructions: Don't think you can wing anything when it comes to the family jewels.

But if you want to surprise your honey with a Telly Savalas, we recommend getting a professional waxjob. That way, you can go completely bare the first time around — though you should still allow twenty-four hours for the redness and swelling to subside. By the way, it's considered good etiquette to visit the salon with a clean crotch. Pro waxers can even attach small adhesive temporary jewels to your newly smooth family jewels. Hey, it's your cake... Ask around and find someone with a few credentials. And remember that even if you get stripped by the waxer to the stars, bad reactions can happen. If that's going to ruin your anniversary trip to Baja, first-timers might want to reconsider.

If you're going for anything more invasive than a bikini line touch-up — like say, the Sphynx (named for the hairless Egyptian cat, it includes outer labes, inner labes, mons, anus, the whole kitten caboodle), or the Brazilian (like the Sphynx except for a small landing strip right above the clit), prepare to swallow a little pride: Getting one of these means either hanging out doggie-style or lying on your back with your legs nearly behind your ears. Your gyno's got nothing on this. Your lover probably doesn't either (though that can and should be rectified). At least it only takes fifteen minutes. Most salons — especially those ones outside New York City — shy away from waxing the twig and berries (it's considered too risky, especially the berries), which may be good enough reason for you to as well. But wax has improved over the years (with the addition of ingredients like tea tree oil, Vitamin E, and citrus oil) making it pretty safe to attack most sensitive crevices.

Sugaring

This method originated in Egypt thousands of years ago (in ancient Egypt both men and women took it all off) and is finally catching on in salons across the country. It consists of covering the area in a sugar paste and then ripping the hairs away — kind of like waxing, except that the sugar clings only to the hair and not the skin, so it's less painful. It's also less likely to cause irritation, as the sugar mix is warm, and not hot like most wax treatments. Just be sure to shower well afterwards — sugar in the cooch could cause a yeast infection.

Electrolysis

This involves inserting a thin metal probe into each hair follicle and electrocuting each hair, individually. Talk about shocking fuzz. It's the only permanent way to remove pubic hair (or any hair, for that matter) that's been proven safe and effective, at least when done right. But electrolysis is expensive and it hurts like a mother. It also takes forever, as the hair will grow back after your first few sessions — only consistent treatments over a period of time will fry it for good (though there are some people whose hair never responds). Even pornstars don't do this. But if you're committed to the cause, be sure you go to a certified professional with a lot of training, reputable references, and top-of-the-line, sterilized equipment, rather than quacks trying to make a quick buck off the beauty insecurities of others. By the way, the cons of DIY electrolysis kits greatly outweigh the pros, so don't try this at home.

Lasers

Laser hair removal works on a similar principle: Light at a specified wavelength targets the pigment in hair and causes thermal and/or mechanical damage to a hair follicle. While some people report permanent hair loss, there is no conclusive evidence on how well it works across the board, or exactly how safe it is. Oh yeah, it's expensive, it hurts, and it can cause skin damage when done by an amateur — not very convincing reasons to jump on the laser bandwagon. But if jump you must, then make sure you get it done in a doctor's office or a salon licensed to operate a class II medical device.

Depilatory Creams

Hair removal creams from your local drugstore which dissolve your hair at the surface are fine for neatening your bikini line for a day or so, but they shouldn't be used for the full monty — those aren't chemicals you want near your private parts.

Coloring

So you want the rug to match the drapes? Or you want to give your "locks of downstairs" a new look? We can't in good faith recommend this — FDA-approved hair dyes have only been tested on head hair, and those chemicals weren't designed to be hanging out in your special place. If you must dye nature's veil cotton candy-pink, find a hipster colorist who's not squeamish, and make sure they use a non-toxic dye (no bleach, ammonia, or peroxide). You might find that dyes designed for men's facial hair drip less — but then again, you probably won't find those dyes in green for St. Paddy's Day. If you're going DIY, use one of those mousses or hair mascaras that come out in one wash. And ladies, don't ever attempt to dye the hair on your labes — you don't want any of this shit getting into your veegee, unless you're prepared for a serious yeast infection (or worse).

Reader Recommendations

After three weeks of pubic hair education, we've learned one thing: People sure do take their nether tresses seriously. We've received fan mail thanking us for finally addressing the issue, along with hate mail accusing us of beating off a dead horse. Some of the finer haired fellows said we made too much of the chance of nicks and cuts, while more hirsute gentlemen recounted bloody crime scenes of shaving sessions past. Some liked beard trimmers, others were aghast we'd recommend putting one anywhere near a genital 'stache. One woman wished we'd tell her tale of lost clitoral sensitivity: with the protective triangle of hair removed from a particularly intense waxing, her underwear continually chafed her bean. Another lady, re-acclimating to the dating scene after a few years, was appalled to find that most men she met shaved their balls; she reported hating the feeling of five o'clock shadow against her tender bits. While others (mostly men) shook their fingers at us about the horrors of hairy oral sex.

We also got several suggestions for products and methods to help tame the savage beast; we haven't tried these, and can't officially endorse them, but we'll pass them along so you can do your own research and ask your doctors about them. One reader recommended applying a local anaesthetic cream to unbroken skin (making sure to avoid any mucous membranes) several hours before waxing and then thoroughly washing off right before the procedure to remove any oils. For home jobs, there were several recommendations: One for Nair, but only for the scrotum, and only if you leave it on for the minimum recommended time, lest you end up with a red and sore sack; another for Coochy Body Shave Cream (available at ShopInPrivate.com) for rash-free shaving, even on the pubic area, or simply for use as a moisturizing hair conditioner to soften even the coarsest body hair; and still another for Magic Shaving Powder (available at drugstores), formulated for black men to help stop razor bumps and recommended by the National Medical Association as such. Apparently strippers (at least in San Diego) swear by it for bikini lines, though we'd say keep it the hell away from any mucous membranes. To take care of those little red bumps and itching after the fact, one reader swore by the little pads presoaked with witch hazel. And for those who are partial to their pleasure patches, one woman recommended massaging warm olive oil into the hairs for thirty minutes and then washing it out with baby shampoo to make things fluffy. Though we should add that if you have a particularly sensitive vadge, you shouldn't let this massage develop into any kind of sexual exploration, and be sure to thoroughly wash away the oil immediately afterwards, since oil can encourage microscopic fecal matter to linger in the area, which can lead to infections like UTIs.

Two birds in the bush,
Em & Lo