Dear Suzie,

Look on the bright side: At least you allayed any fears he might have had that you saw wedding bells in your future together. (Most men could use the occasional reminder that they're not the only ones who enjoy no-strings-attached nookie every now and then.) But while in theory many guys would consider the one-night stand who flees without a trace to be their dream date, in practice, they have feelings, too. What, no quick peck goodbye on the forehead? No short but sweet note left on his pillow? No five dollar tip on the nightstand? If he's lost respect for you, it's probably because you have no manners, missy. Besides, we're so over those double-standard dudes who won't buy the whole cow if the milkshakes are on tap from the get-go. Puh-lease. Next time you hear that, send the guy our way and we'll show him mad cow.
     But back to your sex life. Once the sun's come up on casual sex, some form of acknowledgment of the previous night's dalliances is required. Going out to brunch with the Sunday Times crossword is not necessary — in fact, that's more intimacy than most one-night stands can support. On the other hand, leaving without saying a word makes a bigger deal of the situation than it needs to be. A quick, graceful exit with some friendly banter and a self-deprecating joke for good measure is ideal. But if you can't bear to wake him, put all that in a note instead, to establish the issues-free platonic relationship (or should we say non-relationship) to come.
     But of course, you choked this time. So here are a few ways to give yourself the Heimlich next time you see the feller — mix and match any of the below for an approach you're comfortable with:

The Ice-Breaker: "Excuse me, don't I know you?"

The Inquisitive: "Hey, how's it going? Had any good one-night stands lately?"

The Emily Post: "Sorry I left without saying goodbye. That was so rude of me. Let me make it up to you and buy you a drink. Don't worry, I'm not going to try and get you drunk again."

The Small White and Therefore Evil Lie: "I tried to wake you, but you were in your R.E.M. cycle and couldn't be roused." (Not officially condoned by Em & Lo.)

The Big Fat Obvious and Therefore Funny Lie: "Sorry, I had to get home to wash my hair."

The Better Late Than Never: "I forgot to leave this with you the other day." (At which point you pass him a note that includes above-mentioned witty banter and self-deprecating joke — it's a little involved, but could work if jotted down quickly on a cocktail napkin after bumping into him at a bar.)

The T.M.I.: "I started to get the beer shits and didn't want to taint your bathroom." (Sure to guarantee the platonic nature of your relationship for all eternity.)

The Projection: "I can't believe you left without saying goodbye."

So, anyway, Suzie, thanks for the question. You were great . . . and we were better. Let's do lunch sometime. Or not. Either way, try not to be weird next time we run into each other, okay? ;-)

Take care,
Em & Lo