It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game. But scoring's nice, too. Here are some basic rules to help you play nice and win.

CREATING YOUR AD

1. Be honest. Misleading others now will only lead to disappointment later.

2. Avoid TMI. There is such a thing as Too Much Information. Do people really need to know that your last girlfriend found your penis too large? Save something for later. Avoid mentioning exes, your digestive process and the like.

3. Be realistic. Don't ask for a six-foot-tall woman who's ninety-eight pounds — unless you're a volunteer for the Adopt a Starving Supermodel Foundation.

4. Be funny. Funny ha ha, not funny weird. We can't tell what jokes to tell, but in the wise words of Alan Alda in Crimes and Misdemeanors, "If it bends, it's funny; if it's breaks, it's not funny." And don't just say, "I've got a great sense of humor." Remember what your tenth-grade English teacher said: show, don't tell.

5. Invest in your ad. Show you care enough to post the very best; spend more than thirty seconds on your ad. You don't have to fill out all the fields, just the ones that inspire you — a half-assed ad tells people you'll be a half-assed date.

6. Add a photo. A recent, representative one. It'll help get you more responses no matter what you look like: people just want to be reassured that you don't have two heads.

7. It's not always about sex. Unless knockin' boots is your primary focus (and only talent), use discretion when mentioning your sexual prowess. We've found it's better to walk the walk when the time comes, and just skip the talk.

8. Don't be a cliché. Visit any other personals website. Read a handful of profiles. Do the exact opposite here.

9. Nobody likes a braggart. There's a fine line between selling yourself and talking shit. Don't cross it.

10. Update your ad. Every now and then, that is. It lets people know that you're still paddling around in the dating pool.


REPLYING TO ADS

1. Proof and spellcheck. It's the least you can do. And never spell "come" with a "u." Ever.

2. Be specific. Everybody hates form letters, and everybody can tell when you're sending one. Mention something from their ad that made you respond. Make them feel special. And write a catchy subject line, would you? It'll give them a reason to click on your response first.

3. Say cheese. Not to be confused with being a cheese (see #8 in "Creating Your Ad" above). If they have a photo in their ad, it's only fair that you post one in yours before replying. Or at the very least, offer to send them one — don't make them have to ask.

4. Ask a question. It makes it easier for them to respond to you. And "What's your favorite color?" doesn't count.

5. Don't be a lech. When faced with the choice of being flirty or sleazy, it's usually best to go with the former — at least until you get to know each other better. Pick-up lines don't work in bars, and they don't work here either. Except "Nice shoes, wanna fuck?" That's acceptable.

6. Give them space. Don't stalk them if they don't respond immediately. After one witty follow-up and still no response, we say pull the plug.

7. Avoid extended essays. The first response you send is not a forum to tell your life story (see #2 in "Creating Your Ad" above).

8. Make the system work for you. Some people aren't ready to give out their email addresses after a few exchanges, and prefer to take advantage of the anonymity of the personals system for a while. Respect that.

9. Rejection rules! You're not obligated to reply to responses, though many people appreciate a polite "thanks, but no thanks." If you receive a polite "thanks, but no thanks," don't bother them again. If someone suddenly stops writing, don't take it personally. And if someone suddenly gives you flowers, that's Impulse.

10. Respect their boundaries. If you're a twenty-one-year-old dominatrix looking for multiple clients and they're a fairly conservative widower looking for one middle-aged platonic companion, leave them alone.


If you'd like more detailed advice, we, Em & Lo, are now offering private consultations on how to improve your ad. Simply send us one gift from our Amazon wishlist followed by an email mentioning the name of your profile (and the gift you so generously sent), and we'll send you a breakdown of what we think you should do to improve your results. What can we say, time is money and we're suckers for presents!


Hoping Christmas comes early this year,
Em & Lo