Dear Rainman,

First off, kudos to you for spelling "come" without a "U." You obviously are a gentlemen. But that doesn't mean you don't want to be a dirty bird occasionally. Facials are one of the last taboos — and taboo-busting sex is often the hottest, in that "so wrong it's right" kind of way.

However, in some cases, it's so wrong that it's just plain wrong. And you're right to assume that doing it without permission is one of those cases. Coming on a woman's face is a loaded act, like slapping her in the face (which can also be a "nice touch" in the middle of sex . . . but that's another question for another day). Projectiles aimed at one's kisser — a glass of water, a loogie, a cream pie, a fist — are rarely hallmarks of affection. They're usually thrown to insult and/or humiliate, often when there's an appreciative audience. Which reminds us of the above-the-neck money shot in porn, a genre in which women don't appear to get a lot of respect. In fact, its prevalence in porn is another reason why chicks averse to cheese aren't exactly begging for it. That, and the fact that man juice stings like a mother if you get it in your eye.

But there's a difference between porny-cheesy and porny-hot. Like eating fish eggs, it's all about context. If you're one of those guys whose mama didn't love him enough and consequently treats every woman who has the misfortune of crossing his genital path like she's a piece of meat, then the facial is a true act of degradation. But if you call your mom once a week, are in a cool relationship, and you both get off on it, then the facial is an act, period — a fun form of role-playing. If you mark your territory because you believe your girlfriend is your property, then you deserve to be evicted without notice. But if you mark the territory because you like the visual, then it's just a way to turn things up to eleven without waking the neighbors.

So how do you make sure you butter your baby's face "correctly"? First, don't assume she's doing you a favor, or that she'll have to swallow (or is that not swallow?) all her feminist pride to get you off; plenty of chicks dig it too. Wait till the next time you're out together (so the sex isn't imminent and the pressure's off), have a glass of wine each, play a little footsie, get a little frisky, then lean in and say something like, "You're so sexy, you make me want to do dirty things. I'd really love to . . . I'd really love to . . . " Aaaargh, don't make us say it! Choose whatever euphemism you think she'll be most comfortable with. She may well ask you why you want to do it, so have an answer prepared (see the above paragraph for responses to avoid). Do not — repeat, do not — try to win her over by listing its benefits to her complexion — that's so junior high. Yes, semen contains protein, which can have a temporary tightening effect on wrinkly skin . . . like until you wash it off. And yes, it contains lipids, amino acids, and prostaglandins which in other products have been shown to improve skin, but there's no concrete evidence that those ingredients in ejaculate work the same way here. (Plus the fancy SoHo spa we called hung up on us when we asked.)

Or you could just wait until the next time you're in flagrante delicto. Make it part of the mid-sesh dirty talk: Everyone's more amenable to suggestion when they're in ecstasy. If you've never come anywhere but in the condom before, then consider building up to it: stomach, breasts, back, neck (a.k.a. the pearl necklace). Or simply ask her where she would like you to make your deposit.*

Once you've spilled your seed, remember these three points of etiquette: 1) For most women, ejaculate on the face becomes unsexy (not to mention chilly) exactly 5.3 seconds after the last orgasmic shudder: Be prepared with materials to help clean her up, or jump in the shower together. 2) Dude, it's on her face, so be willing to get it all over you too, especially if she hasn't come yet and is still feeling randy. 3) Nothing says "the pretend defilement ends here" quite like a good cuddle.

In your face,
Em & Lo


*Here's the safer sex caveat: You still need to keep your snake in its latex skin if it's wriggling anywhere near Vagina Valley. And remember, semen can spread disease if it comes into contact with any mucous membrane, not just the vagina (i.e. mouth, eyes, open cuts).