Dear B.U.,

That's what we like to hear: Sexual quid pro quo — you scratch my back with a cat-o-nine tails, and I'll scratch yours. It really is the only way for long-term partners to continue to get along sexually. Lucky for you he's only asking that you be a little more communicative, a little more aggressive — and not that you eat poo or something. In fact, most people in the BDSM community will tell you that submissives are actually control freaks — that they know exactly how they like to be bossed around in bed and can successfully manipulate their partners into fulfilling their fantasies. So this shouldn't be too strenuous for you.

First, let's address the dork issue. Sex was made for stupidity. We're all ridiculous animals just rutting away without much grace or style. Get over it. As soon as you stop worrying about how you look or what you say in the throes of passion, the sex will be immeasurably better. Plus, acting like dorks in front of each other can really bond a couple.

On to communication. You can kill two birds with one stone during your next dom/sub sesh: When he ties you up and teases you until you're just aching for him to get on with it already, he can forcefully and very authoritatively say something like "I'm going to get up and walk out of this house if you don't tell me exactly what you want me to do next." Assuming abandonment isn't part of your sub fantasy, then being told what to do under duress should make confessing your desires a little easier. Then, as he is administering to those desires, he can force you to talk about how it feels and what you'd like done differently, with the threat of tickling you to death or putting Kenny G on the stereo if you don't comply. Of course, getting him to say these things will require you to communicate with him, so getting started might be less daunting over email. Or better yet, just send him a link to this page!

As far as being more aggressive goes, just think of it as not relying on your boyfriend to do all the heavy lifting and creative thinking. Give him a break and do some driving now and then. Tell him to kiss you when you want to be kissed (whether you're at a sidewalk cafe or in your dungeon). Initiate sex sometimes instead of waiting for him to make a move. Get on top before he pulls you on top. Hold his hands over his head against the bed while you're up there. When you're more comfortable doing these things on a regular basis — and they should be done regularly — try really turning the tables one evening: He's the sub and you're the dom. This time, he's not allowed to do anything unless you tell him to or give him permission. Don't think of it is as stuffy old "communication" — think of it as a game: These are the rules for tonight and you both agree to abide by them. Tell him to go down on you or tie him up or spank his bum — or all of the above. Once you've got all that down, feel free to turn the communication tables on him, and make him tell you exactly what he wants you to do, or do differently, and how it all feels. The more you know about what he likes (and what he can't stand), the more comfortable you'll feel taking charge rather than waiting for his lead.

If it helps, you can consider all of this a direct sexual order from yours truly. Now be a good little girl and get cracking!

Turn it up to eleven,
Em & Lo