Dear Blowing It,

Let's get one thing straight (as it were): being "slightly bisexual" is no more an excuse for extracurricular activity than being "slightly drunk" is. Besides, there's no such thing as "slightly unfaithful" — a blowjob is a blowjob is sex, even if the accessory to the crime is another man. Being bisexual isn't a "get out of monogamy free" card. Hey, we all have our "urges" (most of us more frequently than every eighteen months), we just choose not to give into them every time. Or we choose a lifestyle (open relationship, no relationship, commune, whatever) that lets us give into them whenever we damn well please. The problem is, it seems like your boyfriend thinks he's already in that kind of relationship. And technically, if you haven't updated your "I'm completely cool with you giving men head every eighteen months" policy, then he is in that kind of relationship. You see, what we have here is a failure to communicate.

But before we get to the hard part, let us reassure you that by being a monogamy lover you're not trying to make him into something he's not: you can be cool with his bisexuality without being cool about him acting on it. You're not asking him to be straight, you just want him to be faithful. It's not like giving up those blowjobs is going to turn him straight. (That's like saying Em's turned back into a virgin just 'cause she hasn't been laid in nine months.) And there's no reason to think that bisexuality precludes monogamy. Are you afraid he would eventually leave you for a man? Most gay men we know would kick him to the curb if he only got the urge to blow them once every year and a half. Or are you afraid that he'll leave you for another woman, one who's capable of shrugging off his occasional urges? Well yeah, he might, but fear's a terrible reason to agree to something — and totally ineffectual, too. Sure, it might prolong the relationship for another six months, but eventually it'll fall apart due to you being a blubbery shadow of your former self, devoid of spine, personal ethics, personality, etc.

On to the hard work: It sounds like you've dropped pretty massive hints about how upsetting you find the idea, but you're going to have to go one step further and upgrade "upsetting" to "unacceptable." We get upset when our partner forgets to pay the rent, sticks their gum under the kitchen table, or wipes their boogers behind the headboard #151; and eventually, over the years, we learn to live with these bad habits. But blowjobs and ongoing experiments with bisexuality don't usually fall into this "it upsets me but I can live with it" category. Instead, tell him what you've told us: that the situation is killing you inside, and you cannot abide it. (Though may we suggest something a little less trite than "killing me inside" — perhaps "ripping my fucking heart out with a god-damned meat cleaver.")

Next, update your blowjobs policy with specifics. You don't need to feel guilty about backtracking; it's totally acceptable to redraw the boundaries of a relationship once things have gotten Serious — though of course that's no guarantee your boyfriend will agree to the new lines. You need to define what "completely committed to each other" means. It's okay to believe him when he says that the blowjobs won't change the way he feels about you or your sex life together: He may very well be emotionally detached while he's physically attached to some dude's Johnson — but that doesn't mean it won't change the way you feel about your relationship. If absolute, one-hundred-percent pure monogamy is what you want, then you're going to have to make that ultimatum — and if your boyfriend agrees to it, then you're going to have to take a chance on him, bisexuality and all. If he truly only gets the urge once every eighteen months, it doesn't seem like such a huge sacrifice for him to make.

But perhaps it's more the principle of the matter? Like we said, banning the BJs is not necessarily a judgment on him, and you need to make that clear. Perhaps you wouldn't mind the blowjobs if you could watch, or if they occurred as part of a three-way (you being the third, natch). If that's too hardcore, maybe you can just rent some gay porn together (the guys are always hotter in gay porn, anyway). Offer as many compromises as you're comfortable with, and then stand your ground. Hopefully it's a middle ground he'll want to stand on with you.

Straight but not narrow (okay, occasionally narrow),
Em & Lo