You've got more choices in potential partners than pornstars Houston or Annabel Lee at one of their marathon gang bangs. But we recommend choosing just one — count 'em, one — wisely. It could be the start of a beautiful friendship. Plus, it's easier on the orifices.

We see someone in your past. Our crystal ball is a little on the hazy side (or maybe that's just our hangovers), but it looks like this someone could be an ex. It's definitely someone you're still a little hung up on. Oh wait...the crystal ball is kind of clearing up a little...man, this someone is hot! It's time you resolved your feelings for this someone once and for all. Best-case scenario will be like one of those Meg Ryan vehicles where you finally figure out you were right for each all along, you just needed time, maturity, and a romantic encounter on top of the Empire State Building. Worst-case scenario will be realizing that life isn't like a Meg Ryan vehicle and you still haven't found your one-and-only. And someone in the middle there is the chance that you'll get to have great ex sex.

Be careful what you wish for. Twelve-inch penises are way overrated, money can't buy you happiness, and don't let Brad and Jennifer fool you: Fame is a bitch. Being popular usually just means you're constantly surrounded by people you don't like. Take a closer look at someone outside of your inner circle. He or she won't love you for your fame or money. They'll just love you for you. Well, you and your big dick.

With risk comes reward, and with no risk comes a string of lonely nights in front of the television watching Peter Jennings pull yet another all-nighter to keep us all in the loop. Wouldn't it be nicer to have someone to cuddle with on the couch while you stay in the loop? So take a chance and ask them out already. We forbid you to whine about long lonely nights until then. Sure, they might say no, but at least then you'll have earned your right to whine about long lonely nights.

It won't kill you to make the first move, so do it already.

Don't be so hard on someone who is trying to attract your attention (they're probably just a Cancer or Leo following our advice this week). That mild social awkwardness and funny twitchy thing they're doing with their eye isn't a permanent state of affairs but simply a series of nervous tics induced by your utter coolness. Would it hurt you to give them the time of day? A word or two of kindness and you might see all that nervousness dissipate, and then you might even realize that without the lazy eye and the nervous throat noises, they're kinda hot.

There's someone standing behind you reading your horoscope over your shoulder. Quick, look!...Too late, they're gone now. Don't worry about it though, the stars say it wasn't a serial killer. They also say you should be up front with your partner about your feelings. And they want you to stop procrastinating and clean your room.

You're not thinking clearly this week — even from seven states away, this much is clear to us. You're highly likely to screw up any major decision you have to make. So stay home, and avoid encounters with anyone except drinking buddies you've known for at least a decade and immediate family members. This week, appointment TV is your friend.

Being a slut...er...playing the field will be your M.O. this week. But be careful: Anyone you "lead on" this week will come a'calling next week with bells on. Literally. They'll have little jingle bells sewn onto their sleeves. You'll be able to hear them coming from a mile away so you can attempt a quick getaway. But although you can run, you can't hide.

Ouch. Sometimes the stars really tell it like it is. Like this week: "Perfection is something that we all strive for but it isn't something that we can readily acquire. You may have to lower your standards." Don't worry, we don't think you're going to have to slum it; this week's reading is probably just going for high melodrama to make sure you pay attention. But remember, at one extreme are the overly demanding perfectionists, and at the other extreme are all the wishy-washy types who stay with someone for their "potential." Don't let this horoscope scare you into the latter extreme. Rather, reconsider the standards you're using to judge someone: Do a couple of cavities and bad flossing habits really constitute a relationship deal-breaker?

Your horoscope went a little overboard with the euphemisms this week: Your "unique" approach to life will attract an "unusual" partner and the two of you will come up with some "interesting" pastimes together. Which is just a nice way of saying you're a freak who's gonna meet either a Scientologist, a fanatical fan of Michael Jackson's, or Anna Nicole Smith, and the two of you will spend your days making tapioca and picking each other's bacne

Someone might be trying to gently steer you towards commitment. If this change in direction causes you to feel short of breath and claustrophobic, and/or brings on panic attacks, then we suggest you back away slowly. If that doesn't help, then see a doctor — it's probably just asthma.