Your romantic interests this week are (like) a box of chocolate-covered donuts. They're so tempting, so decadent, so sinful, so scrumptious. Their sweet smell lures you in. You touch them ever so gently — oooh, so soft. Bring them to your lips — they practically melt in your mouth. But after eating them up, you feel guilty, dirty, unclean even. They sit in a heavy, rotting lump in the pit of your stomach. So go easy on the donuts this week, don't bite off more than you can chew, and limit your intake to one every few days. Dunkin Donuts coffee is, however, acceptable (screw Starbucks, that DD stuff is good, man).

Channel your inner Pat Benatar and hit 'em with yuor best shot. And we don't mean finally punching out your annoying cubicle neighbor who insists on saying "L.O.L." instead of actually laughing at funny emails. No, we're talking about that total hottie whose only annoying quality is their refusal — thus far, at least — to sleep with you. This week, they'll finally give you the opportunity to prove your love and devotion. So give it all you've got, whether that's a Power Point presentation or an interpretative dance. And if that horoscope reading is too specific for you, try this one on for size: Persistance is a virtue with many rewards. This week, it's time to reap those rewards.

Instead of wasting your time on someone who doesn't make you happy, waste your time on yourself. Work on improving the good and overcoming the bad. You probably won't be able to undo years of neuroses and the countless ways your parents screwed you up, but at least making the effort will give you something to focus on besides your loneliness. Plus, self-improvement (or the illusion of it) is an attractive quality to people of the opposite sex.

Never underestimate the influence of a little potpourri and some scented candles. Seriously, if you have to drop some majorly bad news/have The Big Talk/finally admit to your best friend that you slept with one of their parents in high school, why do it under florescent lighting in a room that smells of weeks-old dirty laundry? Whether your objective this week is booty or break-up, be like Martha and feng shui the moment.

Apparently, for you, at least this week, opposites don't attract. You're not supposed to be hanging out with anyone who doesn't share the same interests as you. Now, we may be going out on a limb here, but we don't think you should dump someone who doesn't share your perverted love of old Three's Company reruns on Nick at Nite. However, we think if you're the outdoorsy type who gets up at 6 a.m. for a morning run, eats macro-biotically, irons your T-shirts, and gets "totally fucked up" when you take a sip of Nyquil when you have the flu...and you happen to be dating someone in a rock band, then it's probably not going to work out. Call us crazy (right before you call us geniuses).

This week, you may be asked to get off the fence regarding your plans for the future. If you can't oblige this request, at least give an honest and kind explanation as to why (fear of commitment, fear of cohabitation, fear of heights). If you're a good egg about it, you may get to straddle that fence for a few more weeks.

You're more emotional than a PMS-ing woman without a boyfriend who's just watched She's Having a Baby. Take advantage of this overflowing emotion to express yourself to the object of your affection. Stop short of hugging your UPS delivery person. Unless, of course, the UPS delivery person is the object of your affection. In that case, answer the door naked.

If you go to the video store in the mood for a real tear-jerker, you don't hang around the sci-fi section hoping someone will have accidentally filed a Meg Ryan flick there, do you? And if only Mystic Pizza will do and the store is one of those asinine, film-snobby places that files everything (even the schlock) according to director, you don't just stand there looking lost until one of the clerks takes you by the hand and leads you to Julia. No, you go after what you want, and if you can't find it, you ask the video store clerk, no matter how much of a stuck-up, condescending, filmmaker-wannabe he or she is. So why the frick aren't you acting this way in your love life? Jeez, if it's worth doing for a five-day rental, surely it's also worth doing for the potential love of a lifetime, or even just for a five-minute lunchtime quickie.

If someone isn't warming up to you, there may be a good reason. For instance, they may hate your guts. Instead, look for someone gullible who will fall for your sleazy charms. Now that's what we call a match made in heaven.

Your attention span for relationships currently rivals that of the average Teletubbies viewer. Consequently, don't dabble in anything too serious — instead, surround yourself with a poo-poo platter of mini-flings to suit your tastes. Maybe next week you'll grow up a bit...uh, we mean, be ready to make a few important decisions.

Confucius say, person with big mouth has little chance of scoring. Shut your hole so that others may get filled.

You will find it difficult to hide your true feelings. You'll be passionate, warm, and affectionate in your gestures, and this will incur "interesting" responses. Especially if all this "warmth" and "affection" is being displayed on a second date. And you're a chick. And your date is a dude. Don't make any sudden moves unless you're prepared to see a grown man squeal like a little piggie on the way to market.