Better to befriend than bed this week. Friends you make now may turn into lovers later, but anyone new you do today will probably become psycho tomorrow. Give yourself more time to figure out what you want from a relationship — at least a week. By then, even if you haven't figured it all out, at least you'll have a new horoscope.

Everyone wants to be on your team this week. And even better than that, they all love you for you, just the way you are. Well, at the very least they all want to get into your pants rather than your pocketbook. Which is always nice, right? Don't worry about your reputation if you feel like engaging in a little groupie sex — the ones you do pick will be so blissed out, they won't even remember their own name, and the ones you don't pick will be too busy mending their broken hearts to call you "slut." But what the heck, we'll say it: Slut! And that's a compliment where we come from.

You wouldn't happen to have feelings for more than one person, now, would you? Come on, you can tell us. Maybe you're feeling just a little tug from someone in another direction...We knew it! We have no advice for you, we just wanted to see if we were right.

Your confident attitude is a better aphrodisiac than oysters (and really, we find it hard to associate anything other than slugs and cheesy pick-up lines with that particular delicacy of the sea). Make sure you get out and about so that all your little "I'm so freakin' confident and sexy" spores can infiltrate the air around you and get inhaled by all the susceptible hotties in your 'hood. Just stay away from first cousins and recent exes for a few days — they might find the aphrodisiac effect "confusing."

Nervousness is likely to work against you when it comes to getting together with someone you admire. Sweating profusely, biting your nails, telling really bad jokes — all unsexy. In other breaking news, the sun is the center of our universe, we need air and food to survive, and Michael Jackson is a freak...Seriously, don't put too much pressure on yourself, just be who you are, and remember to take your anti-anxiety meds.

Being overly pushy is sure to blow up in your face this week. And we don't mean "blow up" in a sexy, let's-fight-and-make-up kind of way, you dirty little drama queen. No, we mean blow up in a "I'm leaving you for a more mellow partner who won't make me commit to a joint bank account just yet" kind of way. So don't push it, Mr./Ms. Pushy-Face.

Your timing's all off. Or maybe it's the person you're kind of sweet on whose schedule is all out of whack. Well, someone's got the timing of a bad joke told by Bob Saget on "America's Funniest Home Videos." Just be patient and understanding when the forces that be keep you two from making America's dirtiest home videos this week.

Okay, so here's a prime example of why you should read your horoscope carefully every single week. Did you see what we told all the Virgos this week? Yeah, well, if you Scorpios followed their advice, you'd be shit out of luck and stuck home alone all week never knowing if your feelings were reciprocated. Scorpios are supposed to be pushy this week. The near future of your sex life depends on it. See? We're more than just a couple of pretty faces. We're here to get you laid, and get you laid good.

Look spaz, just because you had three cups of coffee for breakfast and a bowl of sugar for lunch, doesn't mean the rest of us are as excitable and hyperactive as you. Put a helmet on before you hurt yourself. Better yet, offer the person you're throwing yourself at a helmet. Better yet, keep the helmet because you're gonna need it when they drop you to the curb.

You know how when you get drunk so you'll feel better, you always feel doubly bad the next morning — depressed and hungover? Well, slumming it in the sack just 'cause you're lonely is the same thing. Now, slumming it just 'cause you're horny is a whole 'nother story. But if you're really honest with yourself, your loneliness trumps your horniness right now, doesn't it? There, there, it's going to be alright. Come here and give your Auntie Em and Auntie Lo a big hug. Next week things will all be (slightly) better.

You won't have any trouble finding love this week, but if you are too accommodating and decide to spread yourself around, you may hurt someone's feelings. There is something to be said for monogamy. And that's not even coming from us monogamy whores — that's coming straight from the stars!

Sitting around worrying will not solve all your problems. Neither will yoga. There, we said it: There is such a thing as a problem that yoga can't solve, despite what all the celebrities claim. (And who believes them, anyway? When they say that yoga gives them that special glow, it's just Hollywood code for bulimia, plastic surgery, and a three-hundred-dollar facial.) But anyway, you're too broke for the facial, and too smart for surgery or an eating disorder. So hit the town with some good friends, instead; it's twice the therapy and doesn't leave scars or rot your teeth