You should consider wearing one of those "keep back fifty yards" t-shirts this week. Proximity to hotties will get you all flustered, and not in an endearing way — we're talking pit stains and clammy hands. If you don't want someone to see you lose your cool this early on in the seduction process (and trust us, it won't be pretty), then keep your distance. And wear deodorant.

You're gonna be smooth like butter this week. Better yet, you're gonna be smooth like Fleischmann's Light margarine spread. Have you ever felt that stuff? It's so silky, so creamy, we swear you'll want to get some vinyl sheets from the incontinence aisle at your drug store, open a tub of the marge, get naked with someone and starting buttering each other up like two slices of banana bread. Hey, maybe that could be the "creative approach to getting to know someone better" the stars recommend this week.

Not that you ever wait for our encouragement or permission to do so, but this week we strongly suggest opening your big mouth (and no, not for that purpose, you dirty twin). Speak your mind, and you're 98.7 percent guaranteed to get the response you're looking for. (The 1.3 percent margin of error is due to the admittedly low likelihood of a bad hair day.)

Did you know that sometimes the two of us test out new vibrators on each other when we don't have boyfriends to product-test with? Did you also know that there are little fairies living in our refrigerators who sprinkle star dust on our tofu and that's how we get all our horoscope information? . . . Don't be such a sucker, especially this week, because someone you like is going to try to make an ass out of you. Why do you even like them? They sound like a jerk.

In the immortal words of Pretty Woman's Kit De Luca (she of the other immortal phrase "Cinda-fuckin-rella"), you've got to work it. Own it, baby. Be playful, show a little skin, bare a little soul. You might just get to see a little skin and soul yourself — and isn't that what we're all after, at the end of the day? Well, that and a pony.

It's time to get in touch with your inner, black-clad, shit-kicker-boots-wearing, whip-wielding, six-foot-two dominatrix. Her name is Cassandria. Channel her energy this week and you should get whatever and whomever you want. You might even find someone to kiss your feet and clean your bathroom. Domination has its privileges.

Hey big spender, put your wallet away. If it's your hard-earned dollars winning someone over, are they really worth winning? Even if it's your easily-come-by trust fund dollars doing the winning? Okay, so let's just say, hypothetically, that they really are that hot, and you really are that superficial. But how are you going to hold onto your gold-digging hottie next time Alan Greenspan's forecast doesn't agree with your stock portfolio? Plan for the future by being generous of heart but stingy of wallet for a while. If you find yourself tempted to spend!-spend!-spend!, then feel free to send us presents.

Ironically, staying very busy this week will be the key to finding someone to lie around in bed with all day.

When Charles Schwab was asked once how he did so well in the financial markets (actually, we're guessing he got asked that pretty much every freakin' day of his life), he said, "By always selling too early." You would do well to apply his advice to your love life: Sure, it's hard to cash out when you're having so much fun playing the market, but the longer you try to play the game, the more likely you are to end up stone-broke or loveless at the end of the day.

The stars say to "put on the charm and do your dance" this week. You have a dance? Is this something you do in your underwear in front of your bedroom mirror? Does it involve spanking your own ass with a hairbrush? Or is this "dance" something you do out in public, like some kind of macho-b.s. end zone spaz-out that embarrasses all your friends? If you ask us, the stars are smoking crack. Whatever you do, don't do your dance. Putting on the charm, however, is fine by us, and will probably get you some good attention.

Beauty's only skin-deep, but there's no law against primping and preening to give yourself an edge over your competitors in the hottie-hunting arena. First impressions and small talk are what get you to the more meaningful conversations and the wild animal sex. And if you want to give yourself a make-over that really works, then go heavy on the self-confident act, too. Remember, you're only as confident as they think you are, and there's nothing wrong with acting more confident than you feel. It'll do wonders for your success rate. Note to overachievers: We said confident, not cocky. There's an ocean of sleazy pick-up lines between the two.

Tongue tied, short of breath, don't even try, try a little harder. Something's wrong, you're not naive, you must must be strong. Ooh, baby, try, move a little closer. You're too shy shy . . . It's like Kajagoogoo wrote that song just for you this week, Fish Breath.