Don't just sit there thinking about your love life (that's what we're paid to do) — get out there and do something about it. Like what, you ask snottily? Well, let's see, things that won't get you a date include: whining to us, whining to your therapist, whining to your goldfish, trimming your toe nails. Things that might get you a date include: going to your ten-year high school reunion, joining a community service group, actively using the Personals, becoming rich and famous. Oh, and if you do get a date, trim your toe nails first.

You say it's your birthday. It's Lo's sister's birthday too, yeah. We're all gonna have a good time. We would like you to dance. Take a cha-cha-cha-chance. Okay, you don't have to dance.

You're in the driver's seat, you're running at the head of the pack, you're playing hard to get, you're a cool rider, you're a hot-headed luvver, you're, well, you're all those things that make people want you for the wrong reasons. Damn you. Now go away and enjoy it all and don't come back until you've got some real problems.

You're living Les Liaisons Dangereuse this week. You are Madame de Tourvel (or Michelle Pfeiffer, for those of who prefer your literary classics in easily digestible movie form) and your wooer is Vicomte de Valmont (John Malkovich) — devastatingly romantic and heartbreaking on the surface, but manipulative and cynical underneath. Beware of love letters, especially those written on parchment with feather quills (or else via Personals notes).

According to the stars, "You will be up for a pleasant surprise this week if you get out and socialize." For an evening that continues to surprise in a very pleasant way, insert a small buttplug before heading out to socialize.

You've heard it before: Relationships take work. But it seems like you've been doing all the heavy lifting lately. Where's your beloved? Probably out back working on their tan. If you're going to get this house o' love built, you've got to get your partner off their butt. If not, it'll be time to give up and just pitch a tent on your own.

We talk a big game here about not assuming exclusivity in a relationship until you've had "the talk," but dating in a plural sense is not for the faint of heart. No matter how honest you are with everyone involved (you have been honest with everyone, haven't you?), you can only keep it going for so long before someone starts to get upset, pouty, jealous, or psycho. We're only human, after all, and "thanks so much for the great head, I have to go shower for my next date" doesn't make anyone feel warm and fuzzy. It might be time to make like the Bachelor/ette and start kicking some of your followers to the curb. If you can arrange to have them picked up in a limo, that would be a nice touch.

Looking into our crystal balls, we see...lots of sperm! Okay, okay, not what you we're looking for. Looking into our crystal ball (singular), we see you in a relationship, a rather ho hum relationship. We see you feeling trapped, closed in, claustrophic. We see you jumping out the window for some "fresh air." But it's a long way down and, unlike cats, you don't bounce. Take your fate in your own hands and walk out the front door with dignity (and your ass intact).

This week, according to the stars, "you will be difficult to turn down and impossible to ignore." Kind of like a puppy who has to pee real bad. Your persistence, however, will pay off — especially if you throw in a home-cooked meal, a couple of backrubs, and chocolate cake.

Put a collar on yourself and hand your date the leash. Let them lead the way. Better to see where they're going rather than taking off for the nearest fire hydrant and embarrassing yourself. (Only take this advice literally if you're heavy into BDSM.)

This week, if you act like the boss then you'll get the say-so. Don't be a wussy who's "just happy to be friends." You don't need any more friends, you need to get laid! So gird your loins, down a shot, and go in for the kill, tiger.

You've got a real craving for chocolate and security this week. Sharon's Chocolate Sorbet is pretty tasty — plus, it's fat free! So you could eat, like, the whole pint in one sitting. As for finding stability, that's a little trickier. Don't throw yourself at just anyone who sends you a Collect Call. Get to know potential partners before moving forward. (If you look up "moving forward" in a thesaurus, it'll say "doing it like they do on the Discovery Channel.")