Your spirit is a wild bird, and it cannot be tamed! It soars high over potential mates, taunting them with droppings. Some will flap their wings and try to touch the sky with you. But only a special few will be able to catch up. Those are the kindred ones, and they're the keepers. If we're still making sense to you, then you've been reading these horoscopes far too religiously for far too long.

You know how sometimes you go all out to impress someone — candle-lit meal, "seductive" music, fine wine, edible underwear — and they show up all drunk and could give two shits? Sucks, doesn't it? Fortunately, this week your efforts will be appreciated. Though you might want to rethink the underwear.

The stars are always down on secret affairs. Just once we'd like them to say, "Hey, Gemini, this week is perfect for lying and cheating." Now that would be a little slice of heaven. But it ain't ever going to happen. Because no matter how much pull they have with the tides, they can't make illicit affairs morally conscionable. Damn them!

It's not your birthday, but it might as well be, because guess what? The stars insist that you play the field this week. Apparently your head and your heart are going in different directions, or something like that. What do you care, though? You're too busy getting busy to notice.

You're a player, Leo. But this week, prepare to get played. Wear your helmet and brace for heartache.

Trust your intuition: If someone feels good to be around, then they're probably good for you. Either that or they're wearing a great cashmere sweater and you keep rubbing up against it. In which case, second-guess your intuition until you've spent time with them in a less luxurious fabric.

You're a spaz, but on you, it works. And it will definitely attract some "interesting" potential partners. But just 'cause we call you "spaz" and use quotes around "interesting" to suggest that all your suitors will be ex-convicts, loud talkers, or Amway salespeople, don't lose hope. You can have whichever ex-convict, loud talker, or Amway rep you want, lucky duck. Choose wisely.

You will be full of heady, romantic ideas and ready to do whatever it takes to win over the object of your affection this week (including performing a duet with Times Square's Naked Cowboy clad only in boots and a ten-gallon hat). According to the stars, your persistence and determination will lead to "a very interesting relationship." Which might be a good thing, or might just be...interesting.

If you feel like someone's backing you into a corner, then dump them. Of course, you, Sagittarius, could feel backed into a corner on the open, sprawling moors of England. Make sure you're not blowing any pressure out of proportion. Is it really so big a deal for them to leave a toothbrush at your house if they're ending up in your bed, at your invitation, every night? The matching track suits, however, is grounds to lose their number forever.

Wear your heart on your sleeve this week. For once, a pigeon isn't going to choose that very moment to poop all over it.

You are whipped! Never a good thing. When you're whipped you lose your spine and develop a drooling problem. Your friends become ashamed of your sycophancy or just annoyed by your constant talk about how cute your lover's toots are. But worst of all, you put the object of affection up on a pedestal, where they are primed to jump off with both feet, land on your back, and walk all over you. As much as you'd like stick around and admire your beloved like a Rodin sculpture, walk away, at least for a little bit, before they crush you like a piece of granite falling on an ant.

Who's gonna drive you home...tonight? You are, baby, 'cause you're in the driver's seat of the lovemobile this week! Just obey all speed limits and yield where necessary, because if you fight the law, the law will win.