Sometimes love is like basketball and sometimes it's like chess. In fact, if you like analogies as much as we do, love can be like any game we damn well say it is. This week, the stars say to "get out and play the game of love," but they're not specific as to the sport. As long as you're not doing anything that could be classified as bench-sitting (or worse, cheerleading), then you're golden.

Apparently, you're keeping a list of potential "viewers" to woo into watching your own love channel (how romantic of you). But if you use the bells and whistles of Fox News to get their attention, you'll be about as respected and sexually appealing as Geraldo Rivera. You relax. They decide.

Do you ever slow down, Gemini? Even just to pee? How is life in the fast lane, anyway? We've always been curious, but we're too friggin' out of shape to find out. You've got so much good stuff going on that everyone wants to be by your side. We hope at least one of them can keep up.

Your kindness, consideration, and generosity of spirit are easy pickin's for the ruthless, conniving and deceitful. Like a poor little defenseless piggy, you're ripe for becoming some sexy wolf's chew toy. Build a house made of cynicism and paranoia this week; you can always take it down later, once you've made sure your lovers are de-clawed.

Woah, monogamy alert! For the second week running, the stars warn you to seriously reconsider your decision to commit. Except this time, it's not someone else who's putting the pressure on you — it's you! So cut yourself some slack, Leo, and have a little fun, why don't you? And if anyone tries to tell you that "your prison is walking through this world all alone," just ask them when's the last time they received really good head.

Take the initiative to plan special outings this week that will bring you in contact with new and exciting people. You're always saying you want to take more advantage of the cultural activities your city offers. So do it! This is the beginning of summer, there's sure to be a ton of stuff that will give you the opportunity to rub elbows with other motivated, intellectually curious, and sexually desperate urbanites: concerts in the park, art openings, organized sex parties. Check your local alternative weekly.

Jeez, talk about specific. We hope your town has some kind of charity run coming up. Or even a charity chicken dance. Because the stars reckon that if you take part in an event that is "both sports oriented as well as charitable," you might meet someone special. If you can't find anything pre-existing, then we suggest you give fate a helping hand and organize one of your own (we guarantee a few Virgos will show up). And it's not cheating if we say it's not.

We would not want to be you this week. You're going to find yourself between a rock and a hard place, put on the spot about a relationship, pressured to make some kind of monumental decision. Don't do it! Stall them, buy some time, mumble something noncommittal about needing time to think, and then check back here next week. Hopefully the stars will give you something more to work with at that point.

Another one from the "no duh" file: If you're walking on your own path and you happen to meet someone special, it follows that this special person will be down with your path (either that or they're just a crazy stalker freak). But if you're one of those big fakers who takes strolls on other paths and you meet someone special there, you're either going to have to carry on being a big fat faker, or risk getting dumped. It's one to grow on.

Whoever said business and pleasure don't mix, never experienced the unique joy of getting busy on their boss's desk. Something to think about this week.

So you're tired of being lonely? Welcome to the club — you get a special hat and everything. The rules of Lonely Club are as follows: 1. You don't talk about Lonely Club (especially to unsuspecting bartenders after one too many white wine spritzers). 2. You don't try to leave Lonely Club by sleeping with someone, unless said person is also a member of Lonely Club. 3. You don't talk about Lonely Club (except to your therapist, priest, or best friend).

The stars say pleasant surprises are in the air if you just go on that Personals date this week. They say if you go with the flow you will find yourself in a very interesting position regarding love. Like doggie or the wheelbarrow.