So there you are, in your local bar (or corner deli, or indie record shop), eyeing up the area hottie you've been meaning to speak to for weeks now, and you're finally ready to take the plunge: heart pounding, sweat droplets forming at your temples, hands shaking...but whatever you do, don't use a line. We're serious as cancer. We know that in moments like these, you suddenly forget how to form complete sentences and a line can seem like a handy crutch, but it's not. Better to come right out and admit your nervousness than crib from some sleazy pick-up manual written by a guy who hasn't got laid in decades. Hey, we'd find that endearing.

If Aries isn't supposed to be dropping lines this week, then you, Taurus, aren't supposed to be picking them up. Don't be fooled by movies and television commercials: Two strangers' eyes meet across a crowded room, bar, subway; the more romantic of the two approaches, a heart full of love at first sight, and says "Nice pants"; then, naturally, they live happily ever after. But the reality for the rest of us is this: Anyone who uses something even remotely resembling a line, no matter how original or sincere-sounding, is a player. They are so smooth because of years of practice. For them, it's a numbers game: Lay it on thick with enough people and someone's bound to fall for it, i.e. throw enough shit against a wall and something's bound to stick. And we, suckers for flattery, trust that our unique beauty/wit/charm inspired an otherwise shy soul to pour forth such a bounty of romantic honesty. Don't get played this week, Taurus.

We love it when the stars get all stand-offish and non-judgmental. Take this week, for example: "One-night stands are prevalent." Just that: prevalent. Not even a hint as to whether they approve of all this prevalence or not. So we're guessing you should just stock up on prophylactics and wear your good underwear every day (not the same pair), just in case.

It's time to make a romantic decision. Your heart is racing and you aren't sure exactly what to do next. You probably have to go to the bathroom real bad, too. But if you follow your heart, revisit the moral of every romantic comedy ever made, and live by the big book of cliches, then you will become America's favorite horse mouth, Julia Roberts! Okay, okay, you'll just find yourself in a committed relationship — that's kind of crazy too, but in a good way.

"Opportunities will manifest themselves if you step up to the podium at a group event and charm the audience." Um, okay. Maybe you should be like the New York lottery guy in the ads and carry a podium with you wherever you go. Because apparently "someone will seek you out after your charming performance, looking for a little bit more than conversation." Heh, heh. So keep your eyes peeled for stages: karaoke bars, open-mic evenings, political rallies, upturned crates on street corners, etc. And as someone once said, all the world's a stage. It's just a matter of getting the audience to listen to you.

You know all those songs that tell you to take a chance on love? Don't listen to their lies! Proceed with caution this week. Be picky. Have some standards. Giving someone the benefit of the doubt, a second chance, or even just some slack are nice things you should avoid like the plague right now. Yes, be a total jerkwad — you have our permission.

Ask lots of questions this week to determine which hottie is best suited to fill your needs. Or should we say feel your "needs"?

We're assuming the stars are talking about love, but this may apply to a friendship or a business relationship for all we know: Don't turn your back on someone who has been loyal to you for years. Shame on you for even considering it! Think of everything they've ever done for you. Sure, they may be completely annoying in their own special way, but that's part of their charm. Don't walk away from them, not if you want us to talk to you again.

In the past, fidelity came easy to you: It was hard enough just finding one person who wanted to sleep with you. You may have thought you were this sweet, loyal boyfriend or girlfriend, but you were actually just blessed by circumstance. Now comes the true test. Do we even need to tell you not to lie? We guess so. Here goes: Don't lie. No, really: Don't lie. It'll backfire and then you'll have no one to sleep with and you'll be a bad person.

The stars say you that doing things with friends, relatives, community groups and/or colleagues will bring you in contact with a future love connection. That's like saying eating food will fill your stomach. No duh. Perhaps what they are suggesting is that you not try so hard. Stop looking for love in all the wrong places. Stop looking for love in all the right places. Just stop looking: go out, have some fun, don't worry about getting laid, and someone's sure to fall onto your jammie.

You will apparently impress someone from a distance this week. Someone in an audience. We suggest you save yourself a lot of hassle and just follow around a Leo for the week. They'll be the ones lugging around a podium.

There's a snake charmer in your life who's playing you like a, um, whatever instrument snake charmer's play. They've got you mesmerized, hypnotized, doing silly little dances, treating you like a circus animal instead of the sex animal you are. Have some dignity: grow a spine and some limbs and walk away.