Shut your pie hole this week. Otherwise, something's likely to spill out of it that will upset the very person you are trying to impress. Actions will speak louder than words, so take them out to dinner, pull out their chair, chew with your mouth closed, swallow don't spit.

Your involvement in a worthy cause will impress someone this week. And no, a Harry Potter book club or a "Sex and the City" viewing party doesn't count as a cause. It's time to get involved where it really counts — citizen-arrest anyone you see smoking in a New York City bar, help little old ladies across the street, give a penny instead of taking a penny. By the time anyone realizes you're only in it for the booty, they'll have already fallen prey to your charms and won't give a damn about anything except the booty either.

When you fall for someone, it's like you become a Jehovah's Witness: you do everything in your power to convince the object of your affections to see the light and join you on this journey of love. Yet they almost always resist when you come on so strong, practically slamming the door in your face. Don't put your foot in the door jam — you'll just end up with a broken toe, maybe even a cop or two responding to the 911 call your beloved made when you wouldn't back down. The best thing you can do is just quietly walk away. One look at that ass as you leave the front porch, and they'll be calling you up for salvation before you know it.

It's time to turn on the charm and make a splash — or, as we like to call it, pulling a Hilary Rodham Clinton. You're your own sexual agent, and sometimes that means rolling up your sleeves and doing a little self-promotion. Stop short of an "Am I Hot or What?" press release, but don't shy away from anything else. Trust us on this one: We know from self-promotion. Once you bite the bullet and start, it's addictive! (Did we mention we have a new book coming out July 1st?)

You will think you have found love — or at least really good sex — this week, but it won't last, because they're lying to you. Hate to make you feel like you've been kicked in the nuts now, but it's better than feeling like your heart's been ripped out through your esophagus later, right?

Easy come, easy go. Who knows what the hell is going on with your love life — the revolving door to your bedroom is spinning so fast, everything's a blur. You might want to consider changing your sheets.

Being needy will be a problem. If you try too hard you will end up with someone who will take advantage of you. You are probably better off spending time alone with a good book. Like the fabulous new sex manual, The Big Bang. Have you heard of it? It'll prepare you for when you finally find someone cool to knock boots with.

You can't hide this feeling anymore. You've forgotten what you started fighting for. All you know is, summer is here and you want to get l-a-i-d. Don't hide your burning flames of lust under a jar (how does that metaphor go again?) — your uncorkable horniness will be exactly what attracts the hotties this week.

Your horoscope is pretty much the exact same thing as last week: What you want and what you get will be two different things, you'll be attracting a playa instead of a partner, the sex will be great but you will feel empty inside, blah blah blah. Guess you're just a glutton for punishment. Keep it up, and we're sure next week's horoscope will say something about heart break or VD.

Hey Capricorn, were you in the debate club in high school? We thought as much. Your persuasive ways will come in handy this week, though for matters far more salacious than "Should juniors be allowed to leave campus for lunch?" Then again, we all know why the juniors wanted to leave campus for lunch, heh heh.

You'll be like Gulliver this week: adventurous, alluring, tall. People will be drawn to you like Lilliputians. And like Lilliputians, they'll want to tie you down, with a thousand little ropes of commitment, restrictions, limitations, and rules. But you've got to be free, travel the seas of the world, fall into the cleavage of lady giants. Run away, Gully, run away!

Oh my, Pisces. We're practically blushing just looking at you. Apparently it's because "your sensual body language is like a magnet," according to the stars. Thank goodness we're still carrying our winter weight, otherwise we'd be irresistably pulled off our La-Z-Boys in your direction. Instead, expect other, featherweight hotties to be drawn to you. Choose wisely, our friend.