You've been treating commitment like a funny-shaped hat of late: You put it on every now and then 'cause you kind of like the way it suits you, but the idea of making it a permanent part of your wardrobe seems ridiculous. You would break fewer hearts (and have to make fewer mad dashes for the nearest exit) if you stopped preening around the hotties with your "I am Mr./Ms. Commitment" act, which is about as lame as a beret.

It's hard to let go of a grudge sometimes. We're gluttons for punishment — yeah, the punishment of others. It's a very selfish, very satisfying thing. But if you don't let go of your latest grudge, it may get in the way of you getting laid. Forgiveness can be a totally selfish act, too. Yippee!

Uh oh, Gemini, looks like you might have latched onto one of those prevaricating Aries in a funny-shaped hat. All is not what it appears. And when all is revealed, that hottie is going to have a serious case of ugly hat-head. Best back up and take a breather, and get out while everything's still nice and pretty.

You'll be sensual, loving, and very easy to fall in love with this week. What happened, did you take a pill? This new-found allure will attract people who will want to kiss your ass, both figuratively and literally. So wash your ass.

You are the pick-up master! Watching you work a room is like watching David Beckham work a football field. What do you need our advice for? We should be taking notes from you! Or maybe this is just our extra-sneaky way of giving you that extra boost of confidence so you will actually be able to work a room like David Beckham. We'll never tell.

Virgo, will you lighten up already? It's summer, dude! Drink a tall one, veg in the sunshine, drive with the windows open instead of turning on the AC for once. You know: Go nuts. Because it's your subtle yet distinct nutty side that is going to attract someone interesting this week.

A relationship that goes from zero to sixty in the blink of an eye is just as likely to hit the wall at sixty and crash and burn. Consider yourself warned. If you're not prepared to give up reckless driving just yet, then at least fasten your seatbelt.

Damn, Scorpio, you're on fire. And when we say it, it's not like your grandmother saying it (which would be kinda weird): It actually counts. Don't be shy about the attention you've been garnering lately, it's about time you were objectified a little. Bask in the glow. Now would be an excellent time to attend a high school reunion.

You'll have a veritable poo-poo platter of romantic options this week, but none of them will taste quite right (and if we're reading our saucy stars correctly, you might be quite literally taste-testing them). We know it's nice to have someone to hold hands with, and we know you've been dying to try out that new strap-on, but that's no excuse to settle for less. Perhaps this isn't the week for you. In the meantime, why not use the strap-on as provocative coffee table art?

Woah, serious. Things are getting hea-vy in the relationship department, huh, Cappie? Are you sure you're ready? You do have options, you know that, right? Getting serious should feel like a step into the future, not back into a corner. And getting serious does not necessarily require three months of your hard-earned filthy lucre, no matter what the diamond industry tells you. Hey, there are starving advice columnists out there who could be saving the sex lives of Americans everywhere with money like that.

We have one word of relationship advice for you: Google. It's not nosy — we all do it. And in your case, you might just be very glad you did. Just remember: don't believe everything you read...unless it's written by us.

Pisces, you appear to be suffering from a mild case of the Aries funny-shaped hat syndrome. You get in these warm, overly-loving moods and it spills onto everyone around you and all of a sudden they're picking out names for your kids. Make sure you're not leading anyone on, unless you really want to parent a Harry and a Hermione with that weirdo from the bus stop.