We didn't know the stars could be so shallow and money-hungry, but they'd like you to socialize at the more affluent establishments this week, where you can — and probably will — meet someone interesting, entertaining, and adventurous. Or at least obscenely rich. Even if your orifices don't get filled, or at least filled well, maybe your pockets will.

One of our favorite bumper stickers (which, sadly, we failed to encounter on our Big Sex Drive) proclaims "Jesus is coming — look busy." While predicting the apocalypse is not in our job description, we can tell you that love is on its way. (And for those of your Tauruses — or should that be Tauri? — who have had a particularly long dry spell, this may well count as a miracle.) If your horoscope were a bumper sticker, it would proclaim, "Love is coming — look hot." Fortunately, it seems that love will not show its face until later in the week, so you have a good couple of days to shave your back, trim your mullett, wax your asshole, etc.

Don't believe the lies of the person trying to seduce you right now!

Take a chance this week — we're, like, 99 percent certain you won't get hosed for it. A blind date may lead to great oral, a neighborhood function may lead to a "swinging" time, a new pizza topping may spice up an otherwise mundane Monday night at home. Just in case we're right, make sure you keep a clean house (both genitally and literally). And may we suggest trying pineapple on your pizza? It'll flavor more than just your 'za, if you catch our drift.

You will go to a business event where drinks are being served. You will be introduced to someone who sparks your interest. You are to schedule playtime with them immediately. You are getting very sleepy. You will send $5000 in unmarked bills to Em and Lo.

If your mind's in the gutter but your ass is on the La-Z-Boy, chances are the only person you're goind to be talking dirty to is your teddy bear. If you're looking for a more interactive experience, as it were, you're going to have to get out of the house every once in a while. Though, if your dirty talking skills are a little rusty, practicing on your teddy bear is not the worst idea in the world. But if you do any more than talk, we don't want to know about it.

Someone who is already attached may try to tempt you. If this person is truly interested in a relationship, he or she will terminate their current one before starting up with you. If this person is only interested in sex, he or she will simply tell you they're interested in a relationship eventually, and you will naively believe them.

The more passionate you are about something that you are involved in, the more likely you are to meet someone who is attracted to you, as well as everything you believe in and stand for. Are you really interested in being the Governor of California, or did you sign up just because it seemed like the thing to do? Find a cause you actually care about, one you can get behind with gusto, like Free Beer Fridays or Anal Fisting Education. Besides, that rumor you heard about the Governor getting a free year-round pass to Disneyland is not true. Total urban legend, man.

Aggressive or pushy action will push back and slap you in the face this week, so take the quiet approach and let any potential candidate for love come to you and sit on your face.

The ball is in your court — hit it back, or shove it down your tennis shorts so it rubs your special place just right. Your call.

You are likely to run out of steam when you need it the most this week. Pace yourself, drink lots of water, and think about baseball.

The stars suggest that you "Start the week off by letting potential partners come to you. By the end of the week you should be in a position to make your choice and make your move on whomever you feel is the right lover for you." Which sounds to us like a 168-hour orgy. But then again, we're the dirty birds who yelled out "giant poo stacks!" when driving past the dark brown hills surrounding Phoenix. Assuming you're a tad more mature than that, enjoy taking the high road, with your well-chosen lover by your side. And we'll take the dirt road, heh heh.