Someone will want you to make a commitment that you aren't really ready for. So don't close that deal — be it financial, business, romantic, or bootylicious.

Working out? Check balancing? Toe-nail trimming? Pshaw, we say. It's August. Relax with a tall cold one at your favorite nightspot. Apparently you're emanating that special something this week, and it's thus an awfully good time to find a mate. In fact, it would be a crime against nature to waste all that pheromone activity on something as dull as personal hygiene or finances. (Don't you just love it when we tell the angel on your other shoulder to take a well-deserved week off?)

You're gonna fuck it up this week.

We know you think they're called "blind dates" because you have to get blind drunk to find the person remotely attractive and/or interesting. But that doesn't always have to be the case. Really. Some of our best friends met on blind dates, honest. Come on, give it one more shot this week — it's not like you have any more appealing offers. (And if it turns out badly, just give it six more tequila shots, and the Advil's on us the next morning.)

You will meet someone very special if you lend a helping hand this week. Your do-good attitude will set you above any competition that might be vying for the same person's attention. But please, people, be sincere in your volunteering; don't become a Big Brother or Sister, a la "About a Boy," just to score points with the hotties. And certainly don't become a Big Brother or Sister, a la "Lolita," to score a date on a Saturday afternoon.

As Mick Jagger once said, time is on your side (and the man should know — four decades later he's still singing the riff and getting paid for it). Keep all your relationships as light and fluffy as frosting for now, and avoid any serious Relationship Talk. (Like we told Taurus, the good angels all have the week off.) You've got all next season for those summer dreams to get ripped at the seams — this week, make like Danny and Sandy and enjoy your last few hot summer nights.

Do you find yourself putting off calling the person you're dating? Do you tell him or her white lies about your whereabouts? Do you go out, get shitfaced, and end up doing it in the public bathroom with a near-stranger while the person you're seeing is home writing you love letters? Well, have we got the pill for you! It's called "Integria," and it'll help you grow some balls and break it off with the person who's obviously not right for you — guaranteed!

According to the stars, "You will be able to mesmerize any potential partner you meet. Eye contact will be all it takes, followed by a few words that are enticing, mysterious, and playful." But if you want to know exactly which "few words" you'll need for that special hypnotic effect, you'll have to check in with Uri Geller.

The forecast is not looking good for you this week: just whirlwinds that won't go anywhere and won't last. Be a rainy-day friend and save all the fun date stuff for later, when the sun comes out, and you'll have a better chance of meeting a hot meterologist.

Eat the last slice of pizza. Step up to the karaoke mic first. Don't wait for the "Walk" light. Hog the limelight. Interrupt with the punchline. Finish other people's sentences. Your friends will hate you for seven days, but apparently it's the only way a certain someone is going to notice you. But be warned: This is only a seven-day pass. If you continue to neglect your manners past this horoscope's sell-by date, you're on your own.

You will meet people in the strangest places and through the most unlikely situations. So don't be startled if you fall in love at first sight at the DMV, you feel that spark at the dump, or you get that little tingle in your pants at the funeral home. No matter how inappropriate it may seem, make sure you get the digits.

Has anyone ever told you, "You're not getting asked out on dates because people are intimidated by your beauty/smarts/charm/charisma"? Well, for once, it's actually true. But don't fight it — the most fitting suitor will be the one who barges straight through your magnetic field and buys you a drink. (Either that or we're just lying to cheer you up.)