Easy there, pardner, you're frightening the horses. Your attempts to go from zero to intimacy in sixty seconds may seem to you like "enthusiasm" but to others they reek of desperation. If you're having trouble playing it cool, just imagine your date naked...uh...make that, pretend your date has the runs.

The stars tell us you'll be able to talk your way into anyone's heart. They say nothing of talking your way into someone's pants. But considering you're a fine candidate for "love, marriage, security and stability," that shouldn't be too difficult for you. Don't let your good intentions get in the way when the belts start unbuckling.

Cut out the diva act. You've been demanding attention like J. Lo demands white lilies in her dressing room. Stamping your little feet may make a nice noise, but it's not gonna get you laid, no matter how good your butt looks in those pants.

Take a leap of faith and let a friend set you up with someone you don't know. A friend like Hooksexup Personals. Hooksexup will support you, help you through this time of need, and never judge you (even if you make an ass of yourself on a blind date). Like a good neighbor, the Personals are always there for you, day or night...or even early morning when you've stumbled home sloshed out of your mind and you're suddenly struck with the brilliant idea of trying to pour your soul out on the Instant Gratifier. So what are you waiting for? Start drinking and get typing!

Oh, isn't romantic? Your eyes meet over the shoulder-high cubicle wall, your arm accidentally brushes theirs when you press the "Lobby" button in the elevator, the toilet seat is still warm from their ass when you follow them into the unisex bathroom. It's gotta be fate, right? Sure. Or stalking, maybe. But who are we to judge? Just make sure they're not already spoken for before taking the plunge (remember, third finger, left hand), because apparently "secret affairs are likely this week."

Don't lie about your intentions to any trusting (read: gullible) parties this week. Or else we'll have to kick your ass.

You know how everyone's always calling you "high maintenance," and they pretend to be lighthearted about it but you can see that slightly annoyed look in their eyes? Like, you're being a pain in the ass and if you'd just be a little less picky already, their life would be so much easier? Yeah, well, this is your heart we're talking about (not to mention your genitals), so go ahead and be Meg-Ryan-in-When-Harry-Met-Sally picky. Your internal organs will thank you for it.

Being mysterious does not mean giving vague, coy answers to questions posed by potential suitors. Nor does it mean only reading Mary Higgins Clark on the subway. Nor does it mean wearing a cape. No, being mysterious means leaving a little something to the imagination, not oversharing, and keeping your pants on for more than ten hours. This week, be a puzzle wrapped in a enigma that someone will want to bother unwrapping.

Oh, sweet Sagittarius, did you really think they were gonna put you in their movie?

Chasing has never been your style. Neither has finishing what you start. But persistence will pay off this week. Whether that means you'll finally get that special someone who stole your heart to go out with you, or you'll catch the punk who stole your bike, we can't be sure.

It's time to shit or get off the pot. Your wishy-washy act is starting to get old, and that hottie you've kept waiting is about to gather their last scrap of pride and tell you to fuggetaboutit. And then you'll just be alone and constipated.

If you're hot and you know it, make a move. If you're hot and you know it make a move. If you're hot and you know it and you really want to show it, if you're hot and you know it, make a move! (But don't do any silly dances.)