You will sing karaoke this week and make at least one audience member fall in love with you. Then, you will do a shot with your adoring fan. If all goes according to the stars, you will be making out in the back of a cab before sun-up or before the drinks wear off, whichever comes first. Then you will go home. Then you will go to sleep. (We're just guessing about this whole sleeping thing.)

Everybody's looking for somebody who looks like a pump, feels like a sneaker. But don't expect the first pump you try on to be the perfect fit. You've got to suffer a lot of blisters and bad eighties stillettos before your glass slipper shows up. Wait, there's a little life left in this metaphor, and you can bet your Manolos we're going to squeeze it out: Just because a pair rubs you the wrong way the first few times, doesn't mean it's lacking potential. Second chances will save you a little heartbreak and a lot of great shoes.

You might want to carry some gum around with you for the next couple days. You're going to need it to wash the dirty-sneaker taste out of your mouth when you really stick your foot in it this week.

You know what? You're not going to win the lottery, the pizza delivery guy/girl is never going to turn out to be a hottie, and you're not going to make the cut for that reality TV dating show. Which means, lard ass, you're going to have to get up off the couch and make your own damn move. Hey, it's either that or another night alone at home with a tub of vaseline.

Don't dip your pen in the company inkwell. Don't put it in the orifices of any of your coworkers either.

We're so over all those fatalists who think love is something that just happens to you. People, sometimes you have to roll up your shirt sleeves and work for it. You know — give up your favorite TV show, give up meat, give up oral sex with your ex, whatever. Sure, you might think those things are what make you you, but how much fun is it to be you when you've got no one to love? A whole lot less fun than a barrel of monkeys, that's how much.

Start thinking about love...cause that's as close as you're going to get to it this week. Ouch! Yep, tough love is all you'll be getting this week. Not to salt your wounds, but if you defy the stars and actually try to get close to someone, it will be the wrong someone. Best to just stay home with some good porn.

Make a master plan and go after that hottie like you mean it: Figure out your goals, pick a winning strategy, and write down action points on Post-Its. Just be sure not to reveal your cunning plan until the fourth date. And perhaps avoid describing it as a "master plan" until date nine or ten. As for the Post-Its, let's just make those our own little secret, shall we?

Just because because you're in a good mood, that doesn't mean everyone else you pass should "smile — it can't be that bad!" Just because you're in a bad mood, doesn't mean you have to poo poo everyone else's good time. Just because you think it's a brilliant idea, that won't mean your colleagues will too. Just because you want to do it, doesn't automatically mean your partner wants to stop watching TV. Just because your dog wags its tail when you do that thing, that doesn't make it right, you sick, sick bastard.

You'll find yourself hitting the gas pedal instead of the brake &#!51; and vice versa — all week. Bummer, dude. Fortunately, we're speaking purely metaphorically, so little old ladies and cute puppies are safe for now. Unfortunately, it's up to you to figure out what the metaphor means for your love life. Hey, this is one-size-fits-all astrology, people, we can't be expected to do all the work.

Just try to be a good person this week. We know, it's hard, and you'd rather put yourself first, think the worst of everyone, huff and puff at people getting in your way on the subway, complain that your lover never goes down on you, etc, etc. But just give yourself a week — okay, a day — to be kind to strangers, bite your tongue when you feel yourself start to bitch, and just be a giver in bed. This has nothing to do with your horoscope ('cause, trust us, your horoscope was super boring), but if you take our advice, we're sure you'll have a great week!

You will have a magnetic allure this week. Just be sure not to hang out next to your credit cards in case that magneticism rubs off.