Mercury retrograde is over. We have no idea what this means, but we think it bodes well for your romantic life. Especially since you are beginning to feel more like settling down. We don't how we know that either, but it's true, right? Creepy, we know.

Heading out into the dating world without a clear idea of what you're looking for is like going grocery shopping without a list: Chances are high that you'll end up with a cart full of junk food, that mysterious blue-light special from aisle three, and a couple of impulse buys from the check-out line. Sure, it might make for fun snacking for a night, but by the next morning you'll be asking, Where's the beef?

As far as romantic concerns go, you're going to change your mind more than Cher changes costumes during a show. One day, you'll believe in life after love. The next, you'll be drowning your sorrows in drink, pouring your heart out to a pre-op she-male in a sailor hat and fishnets at your local dive bar, giving up on life and love completely. Don't worry, though: The beat goes on.

Think of all this alone time as one of those "personal growth experiences." Take long introspective walks in the rain, buy a single can of beer at the deli for must-see TV night, write a poem about your feelings, listen to Enya. And don't forget to thank god for masturbation.

It's like you're reliving that Halloween party back in the early nineties when you dressed up like Dieter from "Sprockets" and told people in mid-conversation, "You have grown tiresome!" before walking away to get another drink. This week, though you may think it, don't actually say it. And for god's sake, don't be caught dead in a black turtleneck and leggings.

When in doubt, pick the one who laughs at your jokes.

Your ability to be a creative lover will prompt all sorts of possibilities in the romance department. Think of all those orifices. Imagine the possibilities. The colon's the limit!

Someone who is already attached may try to fool you. Watch out for hotties who only ever call you from the office, who never answer their cellphone when you're in the room, who get fidgety and nervous in wide open public spaces, or those who wear capes.

Anger and resentment will follow if someone becomes too clingy too fast. Just be sure you're not mistaking true love for clingy-ness, because someday people will stop clinging and then you'll die all alone.

Capricorn, you are, like, so two steps ahead of all the bull-headed Tauruses this week. You've made your list, you're checking it twice...it's time to go shopping, baby! If you stick to what's on the list, we guarantee you won't suffer buyer's remorse.

You have such a unique way of approaching people that it's a miracle you don't scare all the hotties away. But somehow, it works for you. This week, you'll meet someone just as "creative." You two freaks should be very happy together.

According to the stars, "You're hot and happening this week. You will be able to taunt anyone into doing what you want to do." If you ask us, it sounds like you'll be annoying as hell to hang out with. But fortunately for us, drinking beer with you isn't in our job description. Anyway, all that "taunting" is apparently going to do wonders for your love life. Just do us a favor and pick on kids your own size, okay? Remember the golden rule of comedy: If someone has been stood up on a blind date and has toilet paper stuck to their shoe, it's not funny. But if someone is wearing a trucker hat and has toilet paper stuck to their shoe, it's very, very funny.