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February 20, 2003
Accessory to Infidelity
Can you blame The Other Woman for an extramarital affair?
Dear Em & Lo,
Just wanted to know what the opinion out there is on how much blame should be placed upon a woman who is sleeping with a married man. Does it matter if she knew at the beginning or not? Is his penis his own (ahem) affair?
Finger Pointer
Dear F.P.,
The only opinion that matters here is ours. "Out there" is a whole 'nother matter, as we discovered at a discussion we hosted last week. When we asked the crowd who among them had slept with a married person, we figured everyone would be too ashamed to fess up. Au contraire. Hands shot up like erections at a peepshow we think there might even have been a high-five or two.
But back to our value system. As anyone who's read more than one installment of this column already knows, we think cheating sucks big time. For the record, we're not talking about open relationships or sleeping around: You can do whatever the hell you want with whomever the hell you want as long as you're not lying about it or wearing Burberry.
Until we live in a perfect world or everyone starts listening to us (and the two aren't unrelated), married people who promise monogamy will secretly stray into the arms of willing singles. When it comes to a married man and his mistress, conventional wisdom, evolutionary psychology, and Fatal Attraction would have us blame The Other Woman. As we all know, men can't help their cheating ways it's innate, they were born to spread their seed, yadda yadda yadda. And women should know better, should show some restraint. Men are naturally competitive while women are supposed to be team players, loyal to the sisterhood. Without the feminine checks and balances, the story goes, it would be total anarchy, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria! Plus, cuckolded chicks always want to blame the other woman so they have an excuse to forgive their guys: After all, women are gluttons for punishment. Right?
Wrong! Nuptials trump "nature" any day of the week, whether or not you believe in any of that evo-psych crap. As anyone who's read more than three installments of this column already knows, one of our favorite movie quotes of all time is from Sex, Lies, and Videotape, when Ann's sister says to her brother-in-law, whom she's shagging at the time, "I'm not the one who stood in front of God and everybody and promised to be faithful to Ann." His marriage, his promise, his lie, his fault. Sure, his penis is his own affair until it goes into someone else's vagina! (Or, if you want to get technical about it, any orifice for that matter.)
But just because the mister's a bigger dick, doesn't mean the mistress gets off scot-free. Bend over, honey, it's time for your Em & Lo spanking. We all have a social responsibility to prevent lying and cheating, just as we have a responsibility to prevent forest fires. If you just say no to the potential philanderer, it's the same as not flicking your cigarette butt into a pile of leaves doused with gasoline. Take away the spark and nobody gets burned. Likewise, fidelity thrives in a faithful environment; encouraging it in others is an investment in your future. Consider honesty a relationship tax: The more people who pay it, the better off we all are. But when the lady is a tramp, she's an enabler it's like sharing a drink with an alcoholic, witnessing a crime and not reporting it, buying sneakers from a company that uses sweat shops, or watching Are You Hot? just to see how bad it is. Call it the honor system, call it Kant's Categorical Imperative, call it the Golden Rule: You shouldn't ride off (get off?) on someone else's bike just because it's not chained down.
By extension, if your friend tells you they're humping someone's ball and chain and you don't say, "Tard, what the hell are you doing?" or at least, "Em and Lo think that's so uncool," then you're an accessory to infidelity once removed. If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem. Friends don't let friends do shit that makes us mad.
"But what if he didn't tell me he was married?" cry the O.W.'s, especially Gullible Gail who never thought to question why she could only call her boyfriend at the office, why he was always out of town on major holidays, and why he had an untanned band of skin on his ring finger. "And now I'm in love! [sniffle, sob]" Well, you're in love with a lie, a mirage, a Joe Millionaire. Except you don't get a check for a million dollars at the end. Just a bum deal: Either a part-time boyfriend who will never leave his wife, or a full-time one who'll probably cheat on you. Which doesn't mean we give you permission to accept that bum deal: The moment you find out he is married, the same rules apply. It doesn't matter how innocently you acquired the goods; once you find out they're stolen, you've got to give them back.
Would we lie to you?
Em & Lo
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| About Em & Lo |
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Em and Lo (Emma Taylor and Lorelei Sharkey) are contributing editors at hooksexup.com, where they created the weekly sex and relationships column, "The Em & Lo Down: Advice from Near-Experts." Launched almost three years ago, it's now syndicated on most of Spring Street Networks' personals partner sites. In addition, they write weekly horoscopes for Hooksexup and Spring Street Networks, and a weekly column debunking sex myths for the UK newspaper the Guardian. Their first book, The Big Bang: Hooksexup's Guide to the New Sexual Universe is forthcoming from Plume in July 2003, and is now available for pre-order on Amazon.com. They both live in New York City where they spend far too much time together. |
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Em & Lo are not doctors, psychiatrists, or even particularly wise in matters of the heart and other organs. These answers are meant as entertainment. Well, they entertain us. We hope they entertain you.
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