August 8, 2002
Bad Vibes
How to deal with a woman who's got more tools than Home Depot.
Dear Em & Lo,
Should I be jealous that my ol' lady has a very large selection of power tools? Or should I get upset that she insists on using them on me? I am confused and my "confused little mind" just will not let me decide if this is good or bad. I know that every woman has at least one power tool that she uses, be it a horse or a battery-operated toy. But this chick has a lot of tools! It is like a museum of dildos. Is this "normal"? Are you "normal"?
Luddite
Yo L.,
We'll politely plead the fifth with regards to your question, "Are we normal?" But as for your ol' lady, we can tell you that she, or at least her toy collection, is totally normal. And yes, it is good. It's not bad.
Think of it like this: You've got a woman who's not afraid to invest in her pleasure, who knows what she likes and how to get off. Good toys are kinda like Lays potato chips: You can't have just one. It's better than a walk-in closet stuffed to the brim with Manolo Blahniks. Would you really want to date someone who could only touch herself when there was soap and a washcloth involved? Besides, she probably needs those toys to get her to her happy place. Would you rather she faked it? Even if they're not absolutely necessary, they're part of the intricate quilt, the Lego town, the ratatouille, if you will, of her sexuality. Don't you love her for who she is, dildos and all? . . . These are all rhetorical questions.
Don't think of her tools as stiff (heh) competition. Your fingers and tongue (not to mention your dick) may not vibrate at 300 rpms, but you can cuddle and you've got a nice smile. Enlist them as your lovely assistants the Vanna Whites to your Pat Sajak, the V.P.s to your Commander-in-Chief, the sous-chefs to your Naked Chef, aw yeah.
As for the toys being used on you: Try everything once. You might be kinkier than you think. But if it feels like a bad touch, don't feel pressured to accept second helpings. Speak up if you're worried her toys have explored the hidden valleys of others before you we're not in kindergarten anymore, you don't have to share. Maybe you should go toy shopping together, hell, even make a date of it: just because she's the curator of her own museum, doesn't mean there isn't a gallery around the corner with something a little more to your taste. By the way, she should be amenable to hiding the collection when your friends/family come over for tea (that's just good manners). And just as you should be "open" to the possibilities of her tool belt, so she should be willing to go unplugged every now and then. Tell her to give us a call if she's not, and we'll show her who's wearing the twelve-inch strap-on in this relationship.
Babes in toyland,
Em & Lo
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