September 19, 2002
Classic: Ch-Ch-Change
How to get unstuck without dumping your girlfriend.
Dear Em & Lo,
I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm in a rut with my career and my relationship with my girlfriend of five years. I've felt stuck for a long time and want to make a change. Something, anything that will make me feel like I'm not just sleepwalking through life.
I think I've gotten stuck here for a lot of reasons, and one of them is my girlfriend. She hasn't done anything, in fact she's supportive of most things I want to do. I just feel tired of the compromises I've made in our settling together (we live together with two roommates in an apartment). She isn't the happiest camper either. She's unhappy with her job and feels stuck, as well.
I absolutely love her. Our love life is good, I guess. To be honest, I don't see her as a sexual person anymore, kind of like a sister or a best friend (sorry if that sounds gross). I can still feel aroused by her, but only after some concentration. There's just no fire there, unless we're fighting about something.
On top of all of this, last week a co-worker told me about a crush she had on me. We kissed in a park a few days ago. I feel guilty, but also angry. Angry that I haven't felt excitement in so long and now that it's here, I feel guilt about it. I don't see myself leaving my girlfriend for this woman, but for the first time I'm really thinking of leaving just to be alone again.
I guess the upshot of all of this is, should I leave? I hear all kinds of things about long-term relationships and living together. People say that compromises are essential, that passion fades, that you've got nobody but yourself to blame for the place you find yourself in life, etc. Still, I can't help wanting more. And I don't see myself getting there from here.
Sincerely,
Stuck
Dear Stuck,
Change is good. But you don't have to shave your head, join the Peace Corps, and dump your girlfriend to enjoy the benefits of change. As Woody Allen said, a relationship is like a shark: If it's not constantly moving forward, it dies. The same applies to all aspects of life: Career, hobbies, interior decorating. Your girlfriend seems to be experiencing the same restlessness. Here are some things you both can do, together or independently, to help add new excitement to your lives, make every ordinary moment extraordinary, and make-over your life! (Sorry, in a past life this column was a self-help bestseller. Hey, who moved our cheese?) Do any or all of the below. Repeat as necessary.
CAREER: Ask for a raise. Demand a promotion. Send a memo. Redefine your role at the company. Take long lunches. Put whoopee cushions on your coworkers' chairs to enliven the working environment. Update your resume. Get a headhunter. Go on interviews. Network. Think outside the box. Quit. Get a new job that you care about. At half the salary.
LIVING ARRANGEMENTS: Get a place for just the two of you. Kick out your roommates. Redecorate. Paint the walls. Hire a feng shui consultant to optimize the energy in your bedroom. Have sex on the kitchen table (don't tell the roommates).
HOBBIES: Learn how to play the guitar. Volunteer. Travel. Take a cooking class. Buy a book on the art of sensual massage. Make a short independent film. Write a memoir or a great American novel. Take up oil painting or photography. Play bingo at the old folks home every week. Become an environmental activist.
RELATIONSHIP: Learn new positions. Actually try out new positions. Roleplay. Incorporate food/props/toys. Wrap yourself in Saran Wrap. Have secret flirting contests in public. Have sex in public. Spend a weekend together in a sleazy motel. Spend a week apart. Have sex on the kitchen table again. See also: Our Valentine's Day Advice.
Remember, love is work: Consider the above your three-month assignment. If you improve your work situation, find a meaningful hobby, change your living arrangements, spice up your sex life, and you're still unsatisfied, then shave your head, join the Peace Corps, and dump your girlfriend.
Loose change,
Em & Lo
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