October 3, 2002
Some Kind of Fabulous
Does my high school crush play on my team?
Dear Lo & Em (I figured Lo should go first once in a half moon),
I'm an eighteen-year-old boi in the depths of good ol' Alabama. I'm a senior in high school (finally!) and I haven't been in one relationship yet. Part of that comes from being gay. There have been plenty of girls with an interest in me, but I've always had to keep it at friendship.
Currently all of my close friends are dating someone. I'm usually the third wheel, or fifth, or seventh . . . depends on who all is going. My high school is very conservative (being in the Bible Belt doesn't help any) so there are zero "out" people in my school. Sure, I do know some closeted people, like myself, but let's just say if I did date them, it'd be for their personality and nothing else. Get my drift?
Now, here comes my problem. There is this boy (who shall remain nameless) that I suspect likes me. Just about every day he'll watch me as I pass him going down the hall and I find that he'll try to cross paths with me whenever he gets the chance. I have no clue how I should go about finding out if he really does like me. I've thought about just going up to him and asking him straight forward but then there's the possibility of him saying no and me having just sorta outed myself by asking him.
What do I do!?! I'm so sick of being alone. Usually I'd just let this slide and forget about it, but the kid is so damn cute. Do you wise women have any ideas on what to do?
Sincerely,
'Bama Boy
Dear BB,
Do we have any ideas? Yeah: Get the hell out of Dodge and off to a college in a city where you can dance on tables in gay bars, march in gay pride parades, walk hand-in-hand with your boyfriend in public, and rent Bring It On from Blockbuster without any shame.
But that's at least a year away and you've got needs. Our first inclination is to say: Be out, be proud! You're here, you're queer. You've got to fight for your right to party . . . Yadda, yadda, yadda. But you're in high school . . . in Alabama. And we're sitting pretty in New York where even gay paleontologists over forty have their own support group, where bisexuality is the new black. No one has the right to force you out of the closet; everyone deserves their own privacy.
Including your clearly closeted friend. Every high school has a Kurt Kelly, à la Heathers. But it's not like you can give him your own lunchtime poll in the middle of the cafeteria: "Check this out, you win five million dollars from the Publishers Sweepstakes and the same day that that Big Ed guy gives you the check, aliens land on earth and say they're going to blow up the world in two days. Are you gay?" He'd freak out whether he's gay or straight. After all, he's in high school . . . in Alabama.
You've got to be smooth like butter. Like with any crush, you've got to test the waters without getting in so deep that you end up drowning in humiliation if you find out he's straight, or worse, gay but not into you. Ask for help on a test, or offer yours if he's the dumb-but-beautiful type. Sign up for the same extracurricular activities. Walk the same hallways every day so it's easy for him to "cross paths" with you. Take the long way home, past his house. (Stop short of stalking.) What we're trying to say is, just make friends with him first. We're talking good, platonic, arm-punching buddies. Once your friendship is on steady ground and he's earned your trust, you might then tell him you're gay, in confidence not necessarily as a line, but just to gauge his reaction. But hopefully you won't need to. Hopefully, one night you'll be hanging out, just the two of you, drinking Milwaukee's Best . . . er, we mean, Vanilla Coke . . . and suddenly you'll lock eyes, stop talking, lean in and then bam! Your hot wet tongues are probing each other's pink, pouty mouths.
If not, at least you can masturbate to that fantasy until you get the hell out of Dodge.
You go, boi,
Em & Los
P.S. We're speaking on a sex writers' panel this Wednesday, October 8th in New York City. Click here for more info!
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