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October 31st, 2002
Classic EmLo: STD Sucker Punch
When he gives you the gift that keeps on giving.
Dear Em & Lo,
For about five years I was with the same person. Kind of a great relationship except that I always felt like something was missing. I left him over a year ago. I have been dating someone new since January, on and off kind of casual, kind of serious. I was just beginning to like him, especially because he made me realize what it was that I was missing from my previous relationship.
About a week ago my boyfriend confessed about omitting information about having a sexually transmitted disease. I have always felt that this person was the most honest that I had ever met, but now I'm just in shock. I have a doctor's appointment next week to see how things are. For the most part I think I'm okay, but I just wanted a professional opinion.
Here's my problem (I mean, besides the obvious): I feel fucked up because I miss him, because I want to call him and chat, because I like him. Usually I kick brothers to the curb just for saying the "wrong" thing I'm a pretty tough cookie when it comes to dating yet I feel like a punk because I'm missing him. I guess I want to know how to get over this one.
Sorry story teller |
If you've only got a few minutes, here's the Cliff Notes version of our answer:
I. Outrage and disgust
II. Sympathy
a. Life's cruel joke
b. Love is disease-free
c. Been there, done that
d. Call to action
III. Excuses
a. Denial
b. Ignorance
c. Rationalizations
d. No excuses
IV. Two choices
a. Second chance
b. Curbside City
V. Sexual history, blah blah blah
a. Inform yourself
b. Protocol
c. We have a dream
VI. A deep thought
And now, the unabridged response, with lots of swear words:
What an asshole! How could he? To betray your trust and risk your health like that inexcusable! We wouldn't be surprised if you never spoke to him again, and neither should he.
But sometimes getting royally fucked over makes the heart grow fonder. That's life's sick sense of humor. We (meaning both humans in general and Em and Lo in particular) sometimes fall in love, or stay in love, with those who don't deserve us. Don't beat yourself up about missing him. If you don't count the lying, the irresponsible behavior, the complete lack of respect for you and the self-delusion, he's probably a great guy! You need to decide whether you're willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.
People make mistakes, and he's not the first person to conceal an STD. Whether it's denial, or ignorance, or a series of rationalizations, people find all sorts of reasons not to tell. Maybe they think the risk of transmission is so low in their case that it's not worth mentioning. Maybe they don't want to risk losing you. Maybe they think you're using enough protection that it's not an issue. Maybe they think it's your responsibility to ask. Maybe they just don't know what they've got. None of these excuses holds up in the court of love at least, not the one we preside over. But there is a difference between not telling someone you have herpes or HPV (for which there is no cure) and not telling someone you had a bout of chlamydia ten years ago that was cleared up with antibiotics.
Whether you give him a second chance depends on the circumstances and where you draw the line. And giving him a second chance doesn't mean letting him off the hook. You've got to let him know the terms under which he can earn your trust again. If you decide to kick him to the curb and let him rot there, allow yourself to mourn the end of the relationship and then take our patented steps to mending a broken heart.
Either way, you need to find out as much good information as possible about the disease your partner has/had, including, but not limited to, visiting your doctor. The Planned Parenthood website is a good place to start. And from now on, be sure to have that awkward and painful discussion about sexual history with any potential partners before you get "funky." Because, as you know, it can be much more awkward and painful after the fact. We may be dreamers, but we recommend getting tested together first, too.
STDs don't have to mean the end of a relationship, but the way they're dealt with can. Our fingers are crossed for you and your genitals.
Be safe(r),
Em & Lo
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Em & Lo are not doctors, psychiatrists, or even particularly wise in matters of the heart and other organs. These answers are meant as entertainment. Well, they entertain us. We hope they entertain you.
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