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Your Week in Sex (9.29-10.5)
Pisces: This week, the stars say, "The more you linger the more excited your partner will become." If you think about it, that's pretty dirty. |
9/29/2003 |
Your Week in Sex (9.22-9.28)
Virgo: When in doubt, pick the one who laughs at your jokes. |
9/22/2003 |
Your Week in Sex (9.15-9.21)
Leo: Don't dip your pen in the company inkwell. Don't put it in the orifices of any of your coworkers either. |
9/15/2003 |
Your Week in Sex (9.8-9.14)
Sagittarius: Oh, sweet Sagittarius, did you really think they were gonna put you in their movie? |
9/8/2003 |
Back to School Horoscopes (9.1-9.7)
Gemini: Let someone ask you to the prom for a change. But only accept if they say "Do you want to go to the prom with me?" Reject them if they don't use the article "the" before the word "prom." |
8/31/2003 |
Your Week in Sex (8.25-2.31)
Aquarius: You will meet people in the strangest places and through the most unlikely situations. So don't be startled if you fall in love at first sight at the DMV, you feel that spark at the dump, or you get that little tingle in your pants at the funeral home. No matter how inappropriate it |
8/25/2003 |
Your Week in Sex (7.18-7.24)
Aquarius: You are likely to run out of steam when you need it the most this week. Pace yourself, drink lots of water, and think about baseball. |
8/18/2003 |
Your Week in Sex (8.11-8.17)
Inspired by the Big Sex Drive, we decided to whittle your horoscope down to its purist form. Behold, the Road Signs. |
8/11/2003 |
Your Week in Sex (8.4-8.10)
Aries: It's not a race to the booty, you know. It wouldn't kill you to get to know someone before you strip down and bear your soul, among other body parts. Stop and smell the roses before you go sniffing the sweet musk of some near-stranger's armpits. |
8/4/2003 |
Your Week in Sex (7.28-8.3)
Capricorn: You may be desperate, but no one need know it but us. So go on that blind date and act like like it's no big deal. We won't tell anyone that this could be your last shot at true romantic happiness. |
7/29/2003 |
Your Week in Sex (7.21-7.27)
Haiku horoscopes delivered directly to you from Em and Lo's Big Sex Drive! |
7/22/2003 |
Your Week in Sex (7.14-7.20)
Aries: You would break fewer hearts (and have to make fewer mad dashes for the nearest exit) if you stopped preening around the hotties with your "I am Mr./Ms. Commitment" act, which is about as lame as a beret. |
7/14/2003 |
Your Week in Sex (7.7-7.13)
Sagittarius: Only play nice with people who will play nice, 'cause the ex who caught you cheating and now has you cuffed and blindfolded ain't comin' back. |
7/7/2003 |
Your Week in Sex (6.30-7.6)
Libra: Being needy will be a problem. If you try too hard you will end up with someone who will take advantage of you. You are probably better off spending time alone with a good book. Like the fabulous new sex manual, |
6/29/2003 |
Your Week in Sex (6.23-6.29)
Sagittarius: Someone's going to attempt to pull the wool over your eyes in an attempt to get you naked. Hey, ignorance is bliss. |
6/22/2003 |
Your Week in Sex (6.16-6.22)
Sagittarius: Don't lie to someone you're seeing. No, really: Don't lie. It'll backfire and then you'll have no one to sleep with and you'll be a bad person. |
6/16/2003 |
Your Week in Sex (6.9-6.15)
Capricorn: Whoever said business and pleasure don't mix, never experienced the unique joy of getting busy on their boss's desk. Something to think about this week. |
6/9/2003 |
Your Week in Sex (6.2-6.8)
Pisces: Attend a charity event, volunteer in your community, go to a political rally, tell a stranger they've got TP stuck to their shoe — you're supposed to fall in love with someone while you save the world. |
6/1/2003 |
Your Week in Sex (5.26-6.1)
Libra: Just 'cause we call you "spaz" and use quotes around "interesting" to suggest that all your suitors will be ex-convicts, loud talkers, or Amway salespeople, don't lose hope. |
5/25/2003 |
Your Week in Sex (5.19-5.25)
Capricorn: You and someone you work with are going to get it on. Just don't let them take pictures, because you know they'll somehow end up on the company server or in the company newsletter. |
5/19/2003 |
Your Week in Sex (5.12-5.18)
Sagittarius: This week, according to the stars, "you will be difficult to turn down and impossible to ignore." Kind of like a puppy who has to pee real bad. Your persistence, however, will pay off — especially if you throw in a home-cooked meal, a couple of backrubs, and chocolate cake. |
5/11/2003 |
Your Week in Sex (5.5-5.11)
Cancer: Did you know that sometimes the two of us test out new vibrators on each other when we don't have boyfriends to product-test with? Did you also know that there are little fairies living in our refrigerators who sprinkle star dust on our tofu and that's how we get all |
5/5/2003 |
Your Week in Sex (4.28-5.4)
Gemini: Make sure you stretch this week, because you're going to be running away from love; fast; and you don't want to get a cramp. |
4/28/2003 |
Your Week in Sex (4.21-4.27)
Find out which way your cookie's gonna crumble; it's Fortune Cookie Week! |
4/21/2003 |
Your Week In Sex (4.14 - 4.20)
Libra: Can the teddy bear act. Turn your phone off for a day, drink some whiskey, wear some leather, don't rewind your Blockbuster tape, do something at least a little bit bad ass. |
4/14/2003 |
Your Week in Sex (4.7-4.13)
Gemini: You wouldn't happen to have feelings for more than one person, now, would you? Come on, you can tell us. Maybe you're feeling just a little tug from someone in another direction...We knew it! We have no advice for you, we just wanted to see if we were right. |
4/7/2003 |
Your Week in Sex (3.31-4.6)
Aquarius: Confucius say, person with big mouth has little chance of scoring. Shut your hole so that others may get filled. |
3/31/2003 |
Your Week in Sex (3.24-3.30)
Sagittarius: Being a slut...er...playing the field will be your M.O. this week. But be careful: Anyone you "lead on" will come a'calling next week with bells on. |
3/24/2003 |
When Irish Stars Are Smiling (3.17-3.23)
We peer into your pint of Guinness to divine what your St. Patrick's week holds in store. |
3/17/2003 |
Your Week in Sex (3.10-3.16)
Scorpio: "Unrequited love" makes for great Shakespeare but a sucky sex life. If you've been sending out lurve vibes only to have them sucked into the black hole of unrequited love, then stop already, while you still have a shred of pride left. |
3/10/2003 |
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